man i have this desire to bla(h)g... but I really have no topic. Odd, I know. I get sick of just rambling about my own schtuff, and I feel like if every thought I have is devotional, they just become the same sounding. So... what to write? Politics? no thanks. Sports? well, I'm a baseball fan and my Twins are doneskis for the season... really, the only bright spot in Minnesota sports is the Lynx are kicking butt... WNBA... oiy. The weather is nice. SO SO nice, in fact. I am not typically a summer lover, but this year it was quite wonderful. I can't count the times I just closed my eyes and looked to the sun allowing the heat and light to just cover over me. mmm. lovely.
Lets see... Oh, I more or less accidentally got a bread maker today. I bid the minimum bid on Ebay 3 days ago and it won... SO, I'm looking forward to some nice whole wheat goods. I have so many counter-top gadgets. I think my roommate is getting a tad sick of them. I have the Jack LaLane, the Ronco food dehydrator, I have a blender, and a hand mixer, battery operated mixing cups, a crock pot, and even a hot dog roller! I'm not going to lie, I'd love to have a magic bullet, but other than that I think I have everything I need. :) And, truth be told, I could get rid of the dehydrator. It isn't as awesome as I thought it would be. Ironically, it was one of the few things that wasn't stolen from my car back in January. Hmm, that made me think of a "year in review" type thing... this has been a pretty crazy year. Stay tuned for end of December highlights. :)
what else? good books? ah! Yes! I read a pretty sweet book about Mr. Rogers a couple of months ago, methinks I will write about it when I have my notes that I took... they're at my office currently. Currently, I'm reading a book about apologetics that uses stories to share the message. It is pretty stellar. I'm in a mood to change up my music again. That happens every 6 months or so... I think I need to get deeper in to country. I've never had this feeling before... haha.
OK OK for trying NOT to ramble, I just did... my apologies for wasting your time. Today was a very productive day and I'm grateful for it. Tomorrow will be lots of rah, rah, rah followed by yappin' capped off with some real live church league softball. Not a bad little Sunday. :)
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Friday, August 12, 2011
Farmer Bob.
I don't know what people did before blogs when they couldn't sleep, but this thing is my Lunesta sometimes, I tell ya... I have a hankering that this weekend will be important in the story of me, but I don't have too good of a feeling about it...
Regardless, a couple of days ago I collected 98% of my garden's harvest. We still have corn that I hope survives the attack from the mutant beans and a couple of peppers that are either dwarf or stunted, because they've not changed in 2 weeks...
Gardening is an AMAZING thing! I've never done it before and I am really bad at it, truth be told, but it is just a fascinating phenomenon! In fact, I really can't get over how awesome it is. I mean 3 months ago we put these teeny tiny seeds into the ground and now we eat them. I know this process has been going on for thousands of years, but it is the first time I've had a direct connection to the process and it is mind-blowing.
Gardening is teaching me things. More than anything else in recent memory, gardening has taught me how to trust. God invented this system of seeds growing fruit from the very beginning. It is nothing new. I had good seeds planted in phenomenal soil with plenty of sunshine and water, and yet I still doubted that things would grow. The plants looked too little and they took too long, or they were growing underground and all I saw was the green shoots that marked their rearing-ground.
I had to trust. Trust that the system is not broken, that God knew what he was doing when he made it up. I had to trust that the seeds had what they needed by means of nutrients and sunlight and that given some patience they would indeed grow into these amazing little vegetables that are sitting on my counter right now. I had to trust.
But man it is hard to trust. When the plants are small and the rain is so hard the wind blows through that field, certainly they are too weak to withstand that weather, certainly I need to do more- weed more, water more, watch them and talk to them more. But all my intervening did was make them more vulnerable to the elements (by washing away some soil and pulling out weeds too quickly) and sometimes I picked the veggies before they were ready- unripened jalapenos are no bueno. I had to trust. And because I finally did and I just let it go and just watered when it hadn't rained for a couple of days, I have some amazing vegetables to enjoy.
My life is a garden and the seeds of relationships and my future and my status quo- they are all in the fertile soil of God's loving arms. He knew me before I was born, and he knows the plans he has for me. So I have to trust. But man, that rain is hard and that wind is strong and there are so many things I can do to make that plan better, right? nope. I just gotta trust. Trust he knows whats best. Trust he is bigger than loneliness, uncertainty, and my own stupid attempts at blazing my own trail. Trust that I can only see a teeny tiny part of the big picture, but God knows all. Trust that He is the God of my life. I love him and he loves me immeasurably more. If he makes the pea pods sprout and the onions of my garden grow perfectly and according to plan, then how much more will he take care of me his dearly loved son? I believe the mantra of AnAnon is apt: "Let go and let God." His system works. His refiner's fire is a blessing and his plan is perfect. So I gotta shut up and just trust.
What God ordains is always good:
His will is just and holy.
As he directs my life for me,
I follow meek and lowly.
My God indeed
In every need
Knows well how he will shield me;
To him, then, I will yield me.
What God ordains is always good:
He never will deceive me;
He leads me in his own right way,
And never will he leave me.
I take content
What he has sent;
His hand that sends me sadness
Will turn my tears to gladness.
What God ordains is always good:
He is my friend and father;
He suffers naught to do me harm
Though many storms may gather.
Now I may know
Both joy and woe;
Someday I shall see clearly
That he has loved me dearly.
What God ordains is always good:
Though I the cup am drinking
Which savors now of bitterness,
I take it without shrinking.
For after grief
God gives relief,
My heart with comfort filling
And all my sorrow stilling.
What God ordains is always good:
This truth remains unshaken.
Though sorrow, need, or death be mine,
I shall not be forsaken.
I fear no harm,
For with his arm
He shall embrace and shield me;
So to my God I yield me.
Regardless, a couple of days ago I collected 98% of my garden's harvest. We still have corn that I hope survives the attack from the mutant beans and a couple of peppers that are either dwarf or stunted, because they've not changed in 2 weeks...
Gardening is an AMAZING thing! I've never done it before and I am really bad at it, truth be told, but it is just a fascinating phenomenon! In fact, I really can't get over how awesome it is. I mean 3 months ago we put these teeny tiny seeds into the ground and now we eat them. I know this process has been going on for thousands of years, but it is the first time I've had a direct connection to the process and it is mind-blowing.
Gardening is teaching me things. More than anything else in recent memory, gardening has taught me how to trust. God invented this system of seeds growing fruit from the very beginning. It is nothing new. I had good seeds planted in phenomenal soil with plenty of sunshine and water, and yet I still doubted that things would grow. The plants looked too little and they took too long, or they were growing underground and all I saw was the green shoots that marked their rearing-ground.
I had to trust. Trust that the system is not broken, that God knew what he was doing when he made it up. I had to trust that the seeds had what they needed by means of nutrients and sunlight and that given some patience they would indeed grow into these amazing little vegetables that are sitting on my counter right now. I had to trust.
But man it is hard to trust. When the plants are small and the rain is so hard the wind blows through that field, certainly they are too weak to withstand that weather, certainly I need to do more- weed more, water more, watch them and talk to them more. But all my intervening did was make them more vulnerable to the elements (by washing away some soil and pulling out weeds too quickly) and sometimes I picked the veggies before they were ready- unripened jalapenos are no bueno. I had to trust. And because I finally did and I just let it go and just watered when it hadn't rained for a couple of days, I have some amazing vegetables to enjoy.
My life is a garden and the seeds of relationships and my future and my status quo- they are all in the fertile soil of God's loving arms. He knew me before I was born, and he knows the plans he has for me. So I have to trust. But man, that rain is hard and that wind is strong and there are so many things I can do to make that plan better, right? nope. I just gotta trust. Trust he knows whats best. Trust he is bigger than loneliness, uncertainty, and my own stupid attempts at blazing my own trail. Trust that I can only see a teeny tiny part of the big picture, but God knows all. Trust that He is the God of my life. I love him and he loves me immeasurably more. If he makes the pea pods sprout and the onions of my garden grow perfectly and according to plan, then how much more will he take care of me his dearly loved son? I believe the mantra of AnAnon is apt: "Let go and let God." His system works. His refiner's fire is a blessing and his plan is perfect. So I gotta shut up and just trust.
What God ordains is always good:
His will is just and holy.
As he directs my life for me,
I follow meek and lowly.
My God indeed
In every need
Knows well how he will shield me;
To him, then, I will yield me.
What God ordains is always good:
He never will deceive me;
He leads me in his own right way,
And never will he leave me.
I take content
What he has sent;
His hand that sends me sadness
Will turn my tears to gladness.
What God ordains is always good:
He is my friend and father;
He suffers naught to do me harm
Though many storms may gather.
Now I may know
Both joy and woe;
Someday I shall see clearly
That he has loved me dearly.
What God ordains is always good:
Though I the cup am drinking
Which savors now of bitterness,
I take it without shrinking.
For after grief
God gives relief,
My heart with comfort filling
And all my sorrow stilling.
What God ordains is always good:
This truth remains unshaken.
Though sorrow, need, or death be mine,
I shall not be forsaken.
I fear no harm,
For with his arm
He shall embrace and shield me;
So to my God I yield me.
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Without Running Away
JG sent me his new album a couple of days ago and it was truly a gift from God. All of Jason's albums have a theme, and while it wasn't his intention, his newest has the theme of brokenness. Needless to say it has spoken to me and his ministered to me like few other albums have. I am thankful for it and I am thankful that I can call such an amazingly talented man of God a friend.
My favorite song is called Without Running Away. The instrumentation is stunning but so are the words. In the liner notes (ALWAYS read Jason's liner notes!) he writes about this song:
So, please enjoy this feast for your eyes.
Without Running Away
by Jason Gray
My favorite song is called Without Running Away. The instrumentation is stunning but so are the words. In the liner notes (ALWAYS read Jason's liner notes!) he writes about this song:
Perhaps it’s too obvious that it was written during a dark season in my life. I’ve worried about whether or not it was appropriate to even include it on the record. But for those who might need a song like this, I hope it helps in some way to lighten the load. I risk including it here in hopes to encourage those in their own dark season to not give up. In the shadows you will find a hand you can trust - the hand of the high priest who understands you, a man of sorrows himself, well acquainted with grief, one who will not break a bruised reed.
Without Running Away
by Jason Gray
I’ve spent some days looking
For a length of rope
And a place to hang it
From the end of my hope
But where I thought hope had ended
I always find a little bit more
It’s not like I’m trying
To be optimistic
If the truth be told
I’d rather dismiss it
And be free of the burden
Of the living that hoping requires
To bring my heart
To every day
And to run the risk of fearlessly loving
Without running away
Jesus is speaking
But it’s so hard to hear
When disciples with swords
Are cutting off ears
Broken and bleeding
I’m waiting for healing to come
But wounded is a part
I’ve learned to play well
Though the wound may run deeper
Than I know how to tell
Where pain’s an addiction
That keeps me buried alive
But when it’s all that I know
I’m afraid to leave it behind
My heart is not lifted up
My eyes are not lifted up
But calm and quiet is my soul
Like a babe with its mother is my soul
After awhile in the dark
Your eyes will adjust
In the shadows you’ll find
The hand you can trust
And the still small voice
That calls like the rising sun
"Come!"
So Jonas
I just watched Camp Rock 2...
I was waiting up since I was asleep last week... turns out I shoulda slept...
ANYWAY, the movie touched me.
haha
For real, it really was pretty good and actually very apt.
Thanks Joe Bros!
I was waiting up since I was asleep last week... turns out I shoulda slept...
ANYWAY, the movie touched me.
haha
For real, it really was pretty good and actually very apt.
Thanks Joe Bros!
Saturday, August 6, 2011
inspo
Garrison Keillor once said something to the extent of there's nothing a good walk can't fix; the severity of the problem determines the length of the walk. Well, I've been walking a lot lately. Really, I just enjoy the warm summer air, but being that I have an hour alone with my thoughts, my mind wanders and races. As such, I haven't taken to this here bla(h)g as much as I'd like, only because I work things out in my head and by the time I sit down to write them I'm tired and they've lost their edge...
Anyway, there are many walk-worthy things swirling in my world lately... so many things I wish I knew, words I'd like to say, letters I've written only in my head that will never be sent, allegorical stories that I will probably never tell... The fact is that I am mourning several losses currently and it just weighs heavily. I'm at the point where it seems as if there will never be resolution, like this knot will never untangle... but I've thought that before... so many times before. But, yet again, God is patient and gentle with me and he reminds me who he is and who I am... but still I walk and as I walk I remember to trust and I recall the memories and I pray to the rhythm of my steps. I miss these things that I've lost... or at least I feel as if I am losing. Pieces of me -some bigger than others, some far away, some coming back soon- are scattered around the earth... and, truth be told, the biggest piece is now buried below it... its a hard journey, man...
But God is good and He is close to the brokenhearted. He is working. I can see Him moving in the hearts of His people... Its a remarkable thing. It seems as if He's making His presence known to a lot of people around me, and they are being moved. Its awesome. God is awesome. So tonight I really miss the fliest of bros, but I rest in the gentlest of arms of the merciful-est of Saviors.
Anyway, there are many walk-worthy things swirling in my world lately... so many things I wish I knew, words I'd like to say, letters I've written only in my head that will never be sent, allegorical stories that I will probably never tell... The fact is that I am mourning several losses currently and it just weighs heavily. I'm at the point where it seems as if there will never be resolution, like this knot will never untangle... but I've thought that before... so many times before. But, yet again, God is patient and gentle with me and he reminds me who he is and who I am... but still I walk and as I walk I remember to trust and I recall the memories and I pray to the rhythm of my steps. I miss these things that I've lost... or at least I feel as if I am losing. Pieces of me -some bigger than others, some far away, some coming back soon- are scattered around the earth... and, truth be told, the biggest piece is now buried below it... its a hard journey, man...
But God is good and He is close to the brokenhearted. He is working. I can see Him moving in the hearts of His people... Its a remarkable thing. It seems as if He's making His presence known to a lot of people around me, and they are being moved. Its awesome. God is awesome. So tonight I really miss the fliest of bros, but I rest in the gentlest of arms of the merciful-est of Saviors.
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Monday, July 25, 2011
And All God's People Said...
I know this is no new revelation or anything. But I, for the first time, began to read the Gospels from start to finish. It strikes me as odd that I've never done that before- maybe that makes me a poor Christian, I don't know, but when it comes to reading the Bible I either attack the Psalms or the Paulian letters. You see, when I sit down to read the Bible it is usually because I am sad and melancholy and I looking for some divine comfort. Psalms and Paul are chocked full of comfort and hope, thus I peruse their pages often.
Well, as I was sitting looking out at the Sawtooth mountains last week, I was indeed melancholy and quite blue so I dove into a Study Bible I found up in the councilor's lounge from the camp at which I was staying. For some reason, rather than going for the Psalms, and after going over Romans 8 (I always start w/ Romans 8), I started with the begats of Matthew. The genealogy alone is breathtaking and worthy of at least 10 blog posts, but what moved me that day in God's splendor was a question of Jesus found in Matthew 9.
Jesus was healing and changing lives left and right when 2 blind guys called out to Him and asked for healing. Then, in verse 28 Jesus asked the men, "Do you believe that I am able to do this?" they said yes and because of their faith, they were healed. I don't know why that stuck me to hard, but it really did. I read that same passage at least a dozen times over again...Do you believe that I am able to do this?
God is so good. He is our creator and sustainer. Our daddy in Heaven and was once our brother in the flesh. He knows our weakness, our failures, and our faults and yet He still loves us more than we can ever fathom. And I know that He takes away pain and I know He heals broken hearts and I know that He gives the peace that passes understanding and fills voids in our lives left by those who have gone home before us, but knowing He can do those things and believing that He will do it for me are two different things. Even as I pray for wholeness, peace, and healing, do I really believe He'll provide? Its the idea of if I pray for rain, I need to bring an umbrella, right? Seek and find, ask and it will be given... "Do you believe I am able to do this?"
God hears me and loves me and knows what I need. So, almighty, merciful God, heal my heart, provide me peace, and fill the void, according to your will. I, through the power of the Holy Spirit, do indeed believe that you are able to do immeasurably more than I can ever ask or imagine, and I know that you are my faithful, loving, compassionate Savior- Emmanuel, God with us. As you healed the sick, gave the blind sight, and brought the dead to life, so too heal my sick, blind, and downtrodden heart. Give me a new vitality, vision, and vibrancy to love your Word and a renewed desire to share it with the people you have put into my life. Give my faith legs, Lord. I believe you are able to do this because you are the Most High God ruler of Heaven and Earth. These things I ask in the name of your Son who lives within me; in the name of Jesus, I pray.
Lord come quickly!
Well, as I was sitting looking out at the Sawtooth mountains last week, I was indeed melancholy and quite blue so I dove into a Study Bible I found up in the councilor's lounge from the camp at which I was staying. For some reason, rather than going for the Psalms, and after going over Romans 8 (I always start w/ Romans 8), I started with the begats of Matthew. The genealogy alone is breathtaking and worthy of at least 10 blog posts, but what moved me that day in God's splendor was a question of Jesus found in Matthew 9.
Jesus was healing and changing lives left and right when 2 blind guys called out to Him and asked for healing. Then, in verse 28 Jesus asked the men, "Do you believe that I am able to do this?" they said yes and because of their faith, they were healed. I don't know why that stuck me to hard, but it really did. I read that same passage at least a dozen times over again...Do you believe that I am able to do this?
God is so good. He is our creator and sustainer. Our daddy in Heaven and was once our brother in the flesh. He knows our weakness, our failures, and our faults and yet He still loves us more than we can ever fathom. And I know that He takes away pain and I know He heals broken hearts and I know that He gives the peace that passes understanding and fills voids in our lives left by those who have gone home before us, but knowing He can do those things and believing that He will do it for me are two different things. Even as I pray for wholeness, peace, and healing, do I really believe He'll provide? Its the idea of if I pray for rain, I need to bring an umbrella, right? Seek and find, ask and it will be given... "Do you believe I am able to do this?"
God hears me and loves me and knows what I need. So, almighty, merciful God, heal my heart, provide me peace, and fill the void, according to your will. I, through the power of the Holy Spirit, do indeed believe that you are able to do immeasurably more than I can ever ask or imagine, and I know that you are my faithful, loving, compassionate Savior- Emmanuel, God with us. As you healed the sick, gave the blind sight, and brought the dead to life, so too heal my sick, blind, and downtrodden heart. Give me a new vitality, vision, and vibrancy to love your Word and a renewed desire to share it with the people you have put into my life. Give my faith legs, Lord. I believe you are able to do this because you are the Most High God ruler of Heaven and Earth. These things I ask in the name of your Son who lives within me; in the name of Jesus, I pray.
Lord come quickly!
Sunday, July 24, 2011
I just watched a documentary on Garrison and I have a renewed desire to bla(h)g... I am just out of ideas right now... How did I do this for (almost) a year?
Let's see... it is a new week! This week is a prep week for our sixth (!!!) drama camp - and the biggest year ever at that! It is also a week of relationships. I'm meeting with some people I've not met with in a while in hopes of reconnecting with and reinvesting in them. You know what Smitty says about friends who have Jesus in common... :) It is also a week of juice... so much juice. It is also a week of processing and sort of sifting through the past month's activities. I'm finally well-rested and, for the most part, clear-headed. There are many lessons to be learned, its just a matter of unearthing them.
Big stuff, methinks. Big stuff.
Let's see... it is a new week! This week is a prep week for our sixth (!!!) drama camp - and the biggest year ever at that! It is also a week of relationships. I'm meeting with some people I've not met with in a while in hopes of reconnecting with and reinvesting in them. You know what Smitty says about friends who have Jesus in common... :) It is also a week of juice... so much juice. It is also a week of processing and sort of sifting through the past month's activities. I'm finally well-rested and, for the most part, clear-headed. There are many lessons to be learned, its just a matter of unearthing them.
Big stuff, methinks. Big stuff.
Saturday, July 9, 2011
back on the horse
there have been so so so so so so many changes since my last posts... amazing joy, profound sadness, divine comfort and hope, and everything in between.
For several reasons, I'm heading to the mountains. I'm sitting in the Denver airport staring at the Rockies waiting for my flight to Boise. No cell phone or internet for 10 days... I cannot wait.
Lord work through this and let me come down the mountain refreshed and refocused!
I plan on getting back to this here bla(h)g when I get back... get excited!
Until then...
For several reasons, I'm heading to the mountains. I'm sitting in the Denver airport staring at the Rockies waiting for my flight to Boise. No cell phone or internet for 10 days... I cannot wait.
Lord work through this and let me come down the mountain refreshed and refocused!
I plan on getting back to this here bla(h)g when I get back... get excited!
Until then...
Monday, May 2, 2011
Monday, March 28, 2011
Retreat
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Tuesday, March 15, 2011
hmm...
Interesting question: Why is there no looting in Japan?
http://blogs.telegraph.co.uk/news/edwest/100079703/why-is-there-no-looting-in-japan/
In America, a "Christian" country we had huge amounts of crime post-Katrina (for instance)
But in Japan, a country that is over 95% non-Christian, no looting and stores are actually making items cheaper as to benefit society... crazy, no?
Not to put up a straw-man, I know full well that the folks who looted in New Orleans, for example, were indeed non-Christian (as least I hope) even though our country historically is considered to be otherwise... but still, isn't it just horrible that no crime after a major disaster is shocking to us?
How can a (True) God-less culture seemingly teach morality better than those that are indeed Godly? What happened to the argument of "you can't have morals w/o God"? Certainly, their morals are built around that which the True God established (both in the natural law and in the societal law of the 10 commandments, etc), but on a personal basis, without the Holy Spirit living and dwelling within, what standard of personal morality does one possibly have? And how come it has seemingly departed from our American Christian consciousness? One could say it is a law motivation- which is absolutely true- but, hello PARADOX- it is law motivation with Gospel results: I don't want to anger the gods, so I live a loving life. It is of course sad, because the love and concern for their fellow man is all for naught eternally, but temporally they put those of us who follow the one who created the "Golden Rule" to shame!
hmm... food for thought, I guess...
I don't have answers... just more questions... Lord come quickly!
http://blogs.telegraph.co.uk/news/edwest/100079703/why-is-there-no-looting-in-japan/
In America, a "Christian" country we had huge amounts of crime post-Katrina (for instance)
But in Japan, a country that is over 95% non-Christian, no looting and stores are actually making items cheaper as to benefit society... crazy, no?
Not to put up a straw-man, I know full well that the folks who looted in New Orleans, for example, were indeed non-Christian (as least I hope) even though our country historically is considered to be otherwise... but still, isn't it just horrible that no crime after a major disaster is shocking to us?
How can a (True) God-less culture seemingly teach morality better than those that are indeed Godly? What happened to the argument of "you can't have morals w/o God"? Certainly, their morals are built around that which the True God established (both in the natural law and in the societal law of the 10 commandments, etc), but on a personal basis, without the Holy Spirit living and dwelling within, what standard of personal morality does one possibly have? And how come it has seemingly departed from our American Christian consciousness? One could say it is a law motivation- which is absolutely true- but, hello PARADOX- it is law motivation with Gospel results: I don't want to anger the gods, so I live a loving life. It is of course sad, because the love and concern for their fellow man is all for naught eternally, but temporally they put those of us who follow the one who created the "Golden Rule" to shame!
hmm... food for thought, I guess...
I don't have answers... just more questions... Lord come quickly!
Thursday, March 10, 2011
glimmering, shimmering light
OK circadian rhythm... this 3am thing can really stop!
oiy.
I'm awake despite the help of NyQuil... crazy.
Well, I am not going to try and explain away this past weekend- it was rough. Perhaps the roughest I've ever endured. There was some wrastling going on. For various reasons I was most definitely deep in the pit of despair. Reading/thinking about it now- even just 3 days later I feel icky and downright silly- like a complaining blithering fool- but I've decided to again let the words I wrote stay as-is. As I quoted Brenning Manning a couple of days ago- "To live by grace means to acknowledge my whole life story, the light side and the dark. In admitting my shadow side I learn who I am and what God's grace means." The latter part is especially true. God's grace is so much bigger than my petty fears and insecurities- I am just in awe.
The truth of the matter is that lately I've been all about me. I want to know what the future holds, I want to be in a committed relationship, I want to be fulfilled, I want to grow up, I want to do this and do that... and while self-discovery and self-awareness is very important, I made these demands without really taking anyone else into consideration. I frame the "your will be done" idea with- "this is what I want and this is what would be cool, so give me this and this and... oh... yourwillbedone." Not exactly seeking His face. But God is patient and is faithful and is helping realize that my plan is not His and even my grandest of dreams pale in comparison to his perfect will.
I was begging for a sign- something grandiose and dramatic, but I was reminded today that God doesn't often work that way. He spoke to Elijah not through the wind, earthquake, or fire, but by a still small voice. He spoke to Balaam through his donkey- and while, that is indeed grandiose, it certainly wasn't something Balaam was looking for. And His Word became flesh not as a king with royal pomp and circumstance, but in the person of a tiny little baby in a manger. I'm told to "be still and know He is God" and "take heart and wait for the Lord" but my ADD of human nature takes over and my mind runs wild and my stomach knots and I like Peter take my eyes of the Savior and then start to quickly sink. But just like Peter, the Shepherd is always near, and He is graciously, once again, pulling me out of the briny depths and holding me firmly in His arms. Nonetheless, I am cold and wet and I feel like a child for ever taking my eyes off of Him. But this is all part of the refining process. This has been more than just this weekend- for the past several months I have been wondering through this valley, this weekend I just reached the scary crags and crevasses. But now, by grace and grace alone am I beginning to emerge. I feel as if I went into it (thinking) I was in the lead, but I'm coming out of it gripping my Lord's hand. Or maybe- like I used to hold my dad's hand as a lad- I'm holding on to just His big finger- my little, futile hands too small to fit into His whole nail-marked hand.
So now it's a matter of how my future, my relationships, my self-fulfillment, my maturity- all the things I want to "work on"- how can those fully reflect my Savior? How can they be in-step with what His good and perfect will is for me? And, duh, its not about me trying to figure these things out, its about Him showing me what He has planned- His whispering in His still, small, voice. So, as bashful as I am about my often whiney-ness that this bla(h)g spews forth, I stand with Manning- my shadow side shows that God is working within me... it just takes me longer than the average bear to realize this. I'm thankful for a all-loving and always patient God, and I hope my friends are equally as such... if I were them, I would have bailed on me a long time ago...
Alright! 4am, big day tomorrow- really, REALLY excited for the weekend- God is incredible in his faithfulness- truly. I'm not out of this valley just yet, but I see a clearing and that makes my heart glad. As Corrie Ten Boom said: "When a train goes through a tunnel and it gets dark, you don't throw away the ticket and jump off. You sit still and trust the engineer." I'm trying really hard to sit still... I've never been good at that... but I absolutely trust the Engineer.
Thank you God for your ceaseless patience and grace!
oiy.
I'm awake despite the help of NyQuil... crazy.
Well, I am not going to try and explain away this past weekend- it was rough. Perhaps the roughest I've ever endured. There was some wrastling going on. For various reasons I was most definitely deep in the pit of despair. Reading/thinking about it now- even just 3 days later I feel icky and downright silly- like a complaining blithering fool- but I've decided to again let the words I wrote stay as-is. As I quoted Brenning Manning a couple of days ago- "To live by grace means to acknowledge my whole life story, the light side and the dark. In admitting my shadow side I learn who I am and what God's grace means." The latter part is especially true. God's grace is so much bigger than my petty fears and insecurities- I am just in awe.
The truth of the matter is that lately I've been all about me. I want to know what the future holds, I want to be in a committed relationship, I want to be fulfilled, I want to grow up, I want to do this and do that... and while self-discovery and self-awareness is very important, I made these demands without really taking anyone else into consideration. I frame the "your will be done" idea with- "this is what I want and this is what would be cool, so give me this and this and... oh... yourwillbedone." Not exactly seeking His face. But God is patient and is faithful and is helping realize that my plan is not His and even my grandest of dreams pale in comparison to his perfect will.
I was begging for a sign- something grandiose and dramatic, but I was reminded today that God doesn't often work that way. He spoke to Elijah not through the wind, earthquake, or fire, but by a still small voice. He spoke to Balaam through his donkey- and while, that is indeed grandiose, it certainly wasn't something Balaam was looking for. And His Word became flesh not as a king with royal pomp and circumstance, but in the person of a tiny little baby in a manger. I'm told to "be still and know He is God" and "take heart and wait for the Lord" but my ADD of human nature takes over and my mind runs wild and my stomach knots and I like Peter take my eyes of the Savior and then start to quickly sink. But just like Peter, the Shepherd is always near, and He is graciously, once again, pulling me out of the briny depths and holding me firmly in His arms. Nonetheless, I am cold and wet and I feel like a child for ever taking my eyes off of Him. But this is all part of the refining process. This has been more than just this weekend- for the past several months I have been wondering through this valley, this weekend I just reached the scary crags and crevasses. But now, by grace and grace alone am I beginning to emerge. I feel as if I went into it (thinking) I was in the lead, but I'm coming out of it gripping my Lord's hand. Or maybe- like I used to hold my dad's hand as a lad- I'm holding on to just His big finger- my little, futile hands too small to fit into His whole nail-marked hand.
So now it's a matter of how my future, my relationships, my self-fulfillment, my maturity- all the things I want to "work on"- how can those fully reflect my Savior? How can they be in-step with what His good and perfect will is for me? And, duh, its not about me trying to figure these things out, its about Him showing me what He has planned- His whispering in His still, small, voice. So, as bashful as I am about my often whiney-ness that this bla(h)g spews forth, I stand with Manning- my shadow side shows that God is working within me... it just takes me longer than the average bear to realize this. I'm thankful for a all-loving and always patient God, and I hope my friends are equally as such... if I were them, I would have bailed on me a long time ago...
Alright! 4am, big day tomorrow- really, REALLY excited for the weekend- God is incredible in his faithfulness- truly. I'm not out of this valley just yet, but I see a clearing and that makes my heart glad. As Corrie Ten Boom said: "When a train goes through a tunnel and it gets dark, you don't throw away the ticket and jump off. You sit still and trust the engineer." I'm trying really hard to sit still... I've never been good at that... but I absolutely trust the Engineer.
Thank you God for your ceaseless patience and grace!
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Today's verse of the day
Isaiah 43:2-
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you.
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you.
Monday, March 7, 2011
Sunday, March 6, 2011
choo choo
let the record state that these sleepless nights are getting very annoying.
Today... in a mere 5 hours... I am going to talk about my train for the kiddie message at church. It is one of my prized possessions. It was my dad's and I still remember when it was brought to our house when I was a kid. My grandpa was an amazing carpenter and he built this awesome platform with a depot for the train set. I think my dad played on that as well. That platform lives no more, but I still have the depot- and, of course the train. Its a simple oval track and a five or six piece electric train from the 50's, I would think. It was put into our basement when I was 8 or 9 and I spent hours and hours playing with it. I had dozens of little matchbox cars that I put on the platform- they all had names, of course- and they lived their lives in my imagination. It was a boy's way of playing with dolls, really- because I weaved some tangled webs. I remember the Porsche and the Mustang were married, but then there was an accident and... well... the rest, as they say, is history... Anyway, I loved that train and those hours of play time growing up.
So now the train sits in its box, unused for probably close to two decades now, but I keep it in hopes that, I suppose, I can give it to my kid someday... or I see it on Antiques Roadshow and sell it for a hefty price... whichever comes first...
Anyway, the point of the message will not be the walk down memory lane, rather it will illustrate Abram's faith. Genesis 12:1 says: "The LORD had said to Abram, 'Leave your country, your people and your father’s household and go to the land I will show you.'" and 3 verses later we read, "So Abram left, as the LORD had told him". A car on a train doesn't question the engine- it merely goes where it is told, so too Abram went were God told him. Abram was richly blessed for following God- for trusting that He knows best. When I give object lessons, I typically try to have them connect on more than just one level- the train idea doesn't really do that- its just a matter of going where the engine leads- which is great- because as Psalm 23 says that is beside quiet waters. More importantly, we are lead to the cross of our Savior where we find not only peace and rest, but forgiveness of sins... that makes being a car- even a luggage car- so worth it! Follow where the engine leads...
This is something I talk about all the time- I tell students over and over again to find rest and solace in the loving nail-marked hands of our Savior- but now I'm in this season of stomach knots and unrest and weariness and I have to remind myself of the same thing... Actually, I take back that term- this isn't a season, because seasons are repetitive. You know what you're getting with a season- this place that I'm in right now isn't something I've been through before... its a valley. pretty deep and long, too... but I know that I am to follow and I know the Engine is powerful, mighty, and knows where it ends- but its hard not to try to peek over the top of the Engine to get a look at what's ahead for myself, you know? I need to get back to the place where I belong- a car, not the engine. Not to say that I'm anywhere nearly cool enough to be considered a caboose, but I like writing the word "caboose", so...
can you imagine how silly it would look to have a huge train- filled with coal cars and passenger cars and even freight (it is a very ambitious train company) -car after car after car- all lined up- with a caboose at the helm?!?! It would look ridiculous, and it would be ridiculous because it couldn't go anywhere. It would be stuck. The caboose has no power, no engine, no throttle, no fuel- nothing. With it in the lead, the train will go no where. The caboose's job is to follow the engine, not lead the train. Well, right now it seems as if I'm trying to move this train, but I am a mere caboose... oh the folly of a caboose who wants to be an engine... it would be silly if it wasn't so sad. BUT- ha, I almost lost my train of thought there- the advice I most often give is "trust and rest" Trust that God is bigger than me and His plan is indeed perfect, unique, and sure... and knowing that we get to rest in His loving arms. I need to remind myself of that now... its easier giving it than living it, let me tell you... I need to get back to the mindset of letting God be God and me being His servant- letting the engine lead and being the car that follows... I just hope this valley ends soon.
A mashup of like 4 different songs just flew through my head "I will go through this valley if you want me to" and "I would beg, plead, and I would borrow, just to have you lead me and I will follow"... but this pretty much sums it up right now...
Today... in a mere 5 hours... I am going to talk about my train for the kiddie message at church. It is one of my prized possessions. It was my dad's and I still remember when it was brought to our house when I was a kid. My grandpa was an amazing carpenter and he built this awesome platform with a depot for the train set. I think my dad played on that as well. That platform lives no more, but I still have the depot- and, of course the train. Its a simple oval track and a five or six piece electric train from the 50's, I would think. It was put into our basement when I was 8 or 9 and I spent hours and hours playing with it. I had dozens of little matchbox cars that I put on the platform- they all had names, of course- and they lived their lives in my imagination. It was a boy's way of playing with dolls, really- because I weaved some tangled webs. I remember the Porsche and the Mustang were married, but then there was an accident and... well... the rest, as they say, is history... Anyway, I loved that train and those hours of play time growing up.
So now the train sits in its box, unused for probably close to two decades now, but I keep it in hopes that, I suppose, I can give it to my kid someday... or I see it on Antiques Roadshow and sell it for a hefty price... whichever comes first...
Anyway, the point of the message will not be the walk down memory lane, rather it will illustrate Abram's faith. Genesis 12:1 says: "The LORD had said to Abram, 'Leave your country, your people and your father’s household and go to the land I will show you.'" and 3 verses later we read, "So Abram left, as the LORD had told him". A car on a train doesn't question the engine- it merely goes where it is told, so too Abram went were God told him. Abram was richly blessed for following God- for trusting that He knows best. When I give object lessons, I typically try to have them connect on more than just one level- the train idea doesn't really do that- its just a matter of going where the engine leads- which is great- because as Psalm 23 says that is beside quiet waters. More importantly, we are lead to the cross of our Savior where we find not only peace and rest, but forgiveness of sins... that makes being a car- even a luggage car- so worth it! Follow where the engine leads...
This is something I talk about all the time- I tell students over and over again to find rest and solace in the loving nail-marked hands of our Savior- but now I'm in this season of stomach knots and unrest and weariness and I have to remind myself of the same thing... Actually, I take back that term- this isn't a season, because seasons are repetitive. You know what you're getting with a season- this place that I'm in right now isn't something I've been through before... its a valley. pretty deep and long, too... but I know that I am to follow and I know the Engine is powerful, mighty, and knows where it ends- but its hard not to try to peek over the top of the Engine to get a look at what's ahead for myself, you know? I need to get back to the place where I belong- a car, not the engine. Not to say that I'm anywhere nearly cool enough to be considered a caboose, but I like writing the word "caboose", so...
can you imagine how silly it would look to have a huge train- filled with coal cars and passenger cars and even freight (it is a very ambitious train company) -car after car after car- all lined up- with a caboose at the helm?!?! It would look ridiculous, and it would be ridiculous because it couldn't go anywhere. It would be stuck. The caboose has no power, no engine, no throttle, no fuel- nothing. With it in the lead, the train will go no where. The caboose's job is to follow the engine, not lead the train. Well, right now it seems as if I'm trying to move this train, but I am a mere caboose... oh the folly of a caboose who wants to be an engine... it would be silly if it wasn't so sad. BUT- ha, I almost lost my train of thought there- the advice I most often give is "trust and rest" Trust that God is bigger than me and His plan is indeed perfect, unique, and sure... and knowing that we get to rest in His loving arms. I need to remind myself of that now... its easier giving it than living it, let me tell you... I need to get back to the mindset of letting God be God and me being His servant- letting the engine lead and being the car that follows... I just hope this valley ends soon.
A mashup of like 4 different songs just flew through my head "I will go through this valley if you want me to" and "I would beg, plead, and I would borrow, just to have you lead me and I will follow"... but this pretty much sums it up right now...
Saturday, March 5, 2011
on being green.
I've been thinking a lot about this whole "growing up" thing lately. When I say a lot, I mean if I'm awake for 18 hours in a day, I'll spend 14 pondering some aspect of maturing... that's probably not healthy...
regardless, it is on my mind and has been for the past several months. It makes sense with the shock and awe of being 30 and not at all where I thought I would be...
We've covered that ad nausem...
BUT I've finally come to a couple of conclusions! Progess!
I have really truly lived a charmed life. There are few things that I can think of that I wanted and didn't get as a teenager and even as someone in his 20's. I was able to travel (often in style), dress well, eat well, live well and everything else well without really trying. I went after the things that were either fun or easy and the majority of things were just flat out given to me. I don't say that to brag or anything of that nature, it is just an honest assessment. I have been richly blessed and have lived a charmed life.
Things came easily to me- jobs, relationships, the ladies, I would have three or four options for a Friday night, I could schmooze and yuck it up with the best of 'em and if I get into a little bit of trouble there was little I couldn't talk my way out of. Good times!
And my deficiencies- chiefly my lack of a degree- were easily dismissed with phrases like, "I've been to busy living to be stuck in a classroom", or "I'm doing just fine without it. har, har"...
But then things changed- and only now am I fully realizing it. I was given truly the opportunity of a lifetime to be a youth minister and I embraced it with open arms. But, I was in no way prepared for the job. I had people skills and a love of Jesus- which is certainly enough to get by (obviously, i'm still doin' it!) but I wasn't at all prepared for the pitfalls of said profession. Things like being a self-starter, little to no interaction with my peer group, the "glass house" paradigm, emotional ties to students, carrying burdens of hurting kids, the lack of understanding of what goes on behind the scenes... and on (I had a couple more in mind, but they escape me currently...) Anyway, those things I wasn't ready for, and some of them I've still not taken on fully. sometimes ignoring a problem does indeed make it go away- at least for the majority of time...
SO, not to dwell on the negative, but they are a reality- and the longer I stick with this vocation, the more apparent they become to me and to those around me. Its like the shininess of the armor is tarnishing quickly- at least in my mind- how can people NOT see my failures? To me they're screaming in everything I attempt. But that's another post...
To my point: these things have been made crystal clear to me lately. I don't exactly know why, but I would have to believe the Big Guy is showing me my warts so that I might be able to stop them in their tracks. I need to get some liquid nitrogen and freeze them off, you know? The longer I wait, the bigger and nastier they grow (lovely thought, I know...). And while it is absolutely gut wrenching to feel as if your weaknesses are on display for all to see, its encouraging to know that HE is made strong in those very weaknesses...
But there's more to it-
As I said last post, there has been an overwhelming number of people who have encouraged me to live to my potential lately, and I have this desire- this deep-rooted-my-very-soul-aches-and-from-my-toes-to-the-end-of-my-longest-hair longing to have a second half... to end this lonesomeness that has deeply affected and downright tormented me over the past 6-10 months. (sidenote: if things work like Frank Peretti writes, then the demon of loneliness has been my very shadow lately and he's really annoying...) I've tried to force things that just don't fit and as a result relationships that were good and really, truly wonderful have turned wearying and I fear that I've become burdensome. I don't know if it is ironic, really, but the things that came easiest to me as a 20 year old are the hardest as a 30 year old... I don't really want to be around people lately, I can't make decisions to save my life, and despite my brave-face desire for the contrary, I know that certain situations- even in the future- are truly hopeless.
BUT... BUT here's the rub. I think I know what I have to do to remedy this. I'm trying to be receptive to the Lord's promptings- I know He answers prayer, and I am pleading for clarity with all of this. And I really think I know what He's calling me to do- But I just... I can't bring myself to start to do it. I have all sorts of excuses to make it okay in my mind to maintain the status quo. I laid in bed today for no less than two hours going over what I truly believe I am to do in order to be able to move forward in this regard, and I still have no truly lasting resolve to make the changes necessary... I have gotten so used to things being given to me that I don't think that I really know HOW to set and achieve these sort of lofty goals. I need to work for this stuff, and right now, my laziness is trumping my desire to be what I want to be... What in the world, man??? The answer is in front of you... or even if this ISN'T the solution- it certainly would be good regardless and is a definite first step, and yet... gah! I have been a rain-forest of inaction. Now the trees of apathy and vines of lethargy and the sloths of... slothiness... have choked out ambition! THIS... this is maddening to realize.
I am a master at rationalizing and excusifying things away... my dad has long told me (half jokingly, I think) that I need a wife to take care of my sloppiness with money and organization- and I've latched on to that idea- I have been looking for someone who can make up for my failures and cover them up for me, not expose them to me and help me correct them. I met with someone that I really respect and look up to on Tuesday and I was kidding around about something that I'm not really good at and I said something to the effect of, "gee, i need a wife to take care of that for me." But he shot that down right away- for the first time, he got me thinking of relationships totally differently. I kind of knocked my whole idea of a wife on its ear... The idea of my taking care of these things BEFORE I find that "other half" and perhaps the reason why God has not yet opened that door to me just yet is because I haven't really come to grips with me yet, let alone me with someone else... Anyway, this narcissistic rant is already too long... I'm sorry that you're still reading this... And I feel kind of odd knowing this is all going to be on the interwebs for all to see- but... I dunno... This stuff is important and I'm just really stringing things together myself- I'm excited to see what I learn about growing up... and life... and living... in the not too distant future. I'm realizing my bad habits are stifling my potential and I need to get my act together if I want to live my life... This is big, man... big.
I'm not a huge fan of using quotes from people who have a worldview that is diametrically opposed to mine, but it is true when Ghandi said, "Be the change you want to see in the world." In this regard, I get to be the change I want to see in my life.. which is exciting, but crazy scary. I've never been a self-motivator. I've always heavily relied (sometimes inappropriately) on others for help, support, and escape. I haven't gotten into personal mantras or inspirational sayings, but I'm learning that I need those things if I ever want to turn my months-long inaction into something that could be really neat. But this is me. This can't be done by anyone else, or really with anyone else's help. This is on me to do for me (realizing, of course, that I am never alone in Jesus- what I mean is that from the human standpoint, this is a one-man show)... The wonderful thing is, however, that my motivation and inspiration is that I know that Jesus is living within me, He has called me to live my life as worship to Him, and it is my motivation that everything I think, say, and do reflects the love He showed us on the cross. Laying in bed thinking about how I don't want to do what I'm lead to do... that just doesn't cut it... so... yeah. that's whats on my mind at 3:18am today... good times.
In this vain, enjoy a little tune by my dawg... err frog... Kermit. He gets me, man.
regardless, it is on my mind and has been for the past several months. It makes sense with the shock and awe of being 30 and not at all where I thought I would be...
We've covered that ad nausem...
BUT I've finally come to a couple of conclusions! Progess!
I have really truly lived a charmed life. There are few things that I can think of that I wanted and didn't get as a teenager and even as someone in his 20's. I was able to travel (often in style), dress well, eat well, live well and everything else well without really trying. I went after the things that were either fun or easy and the majority of things were just flat out given to me. I don't say that to brag or anything of that nature, it is just an honest assessment. I have been richly blessed and have lived a charmed life.
Things came easily to me- jobs, relationships, the ladies, I would have three or four options for a Friday night, I could schmooze and yuck it up with the best of 'em and if I get into a little bit of trouble there was little I couldn't talk my way out of. Good times!
And my deficiencies- chiefly my lack of a degree- were easily dismissed with phrases like, "I've been to busy living to be stuck in a classroom", or "I'm doing just fine without it. har, har"...
But then things changed- and only now am I fully realizing it. I was given truly the opportunity of a lifetime to be a youth minister and I embraced it with open arms. But, I was in no way prepared for the job. I had people skills and a love of Jesus- which is certainly enough to get by (obviously, i'm still doin' it!) but I wasn't at all prepared for the pitfalls of said profession. Things like being a self-starter, little to no interaction with my peer group, the "glass house" paradigm, emotional ties to students, carrying burdens of hurting kids, the lack of understanding of what goes on behind the scenes... and on (I had a couple more in mind, but they escape me currently...) Anyway, those things I wasn't ready for, and some of them I've still not taken on fully. sometimes ignoring a problem does indeed make it go away- at least for the majority of time...
SO, not to dwell on the negative, but they are a reality- and the longer I stick with this vocation, the more apparent they become to me and to those around me. Its like the shininess of the armor is tarnishing quickly- at least in my mind- how can people NOT see my failures? To me they're screaming in everything I attempt. But that's another post...
To my point: these things have been made crystal clear to me lately. I don't exactly know why, but I would have to believe the Big Guy is showing me my warts so that I might be able to stop them in their tracks. I need to get some liquid nitrogen and freeze them off, you know? The longer I wait, the bigger and nastier they grow (lovely thought, I know...). And while it is absolutely gut wrenching to feel as if your weaknesses are on display for all to see, its encouraging to know that HE is made strong in those very weaknesses...
But there's more to it-
As I said last post, there has been an overwhelming number of people who have encouraged me to live to my potential lately, and I have this desire- this deep-rooted-my-very-soul-aches-and-from-my-toes-to-the-end-of-my-longest-hair longing to have a second half... to end this lonesomeness that has deeply affected and downright tormented me over the past 6-10 months. (sidenote: if things work like Frank Peretti writes, then the demon of loneliness has been my very shadow lately and he's really annoying...) I've tried to force things that just don't fit and as a result relationships that were good and really, truly wonderful have turned wearying and I fear that I've become burdensome. I don't know if it is ironic, really, but the things that came easiest to me as a 20 year old are the hardest as a 30 year old... I don't really want to be around people lately, I can't make decisions to save my life, and despite my brave-face desire for the contrary, I know that certain situations- even in the future- are truly hopeless.
BUT... BUT here's the rub. I think I know what I have to do to remedy this. I'm trying to be receptive to the Lord's promptings- I know He answers prayer, and I am pleading for clarity with all of this. And I really think I know what He's calling me to do- But I just... I can't bring myself to start to do it. I have all sorts of excuses to make it okay in my mind to maintain the status quo. I laid in bed today for no less than two hours going over what I truly believe I am to do in order to be able to move forward in this regard, and I still have no truly lasting resolve to make the changes necessary... I have gotten so used to things being given to me that I don't think that I really know HOW to set and achieve these sort of lofty goals. I need to work for this stuff, and right now, my laziness is trumping my desire to be what I want to be... What in the world, man??? The answer is in front of you... or even if this ISN'T the solution- it certainly would be good regardless and is a definite first step, and yet... gah! I have been a rain-forest of inaction. Now the trees of apathy and vines of lethargy and the sloths of... slothiness... have choked out ambition! THIS... this is maddening to realize.
I am a master at rationalizing and excusifying things away... my dad has long told me (half jokingly, I think) that I need a wife to take care of my sloppiness with money and organization- and I've latched on to that idea- I have been looking for someone who can make up for my failures and cover them up for me, not expose them to me and help me correct them. I met with someone that I really respect and look up to on Tuesday and I was kidding around about something that I'm not really good at and I said something to the effect of, "gee, i need a wife to take care of that for me." But he shot that down right away- for the first time, he got me thinking of relationships totally differently. I kind of knocked my whole idea of a wife on its ear... The idea of my taking care of these things BEFORE I find that "other half" and perhaps the reason why God has not yet opened that door to me just yet is because I haven't really come to grips with me yet, let alone me with someone else... Anyway, this narcissistic rant is already too long... I'm sorry that you're still reading this... And I feel kind of odd knowing this is all going to be on the interwebs for all to see- but... I dunno... This stuff is important and I'm just really stringing things together myself- I'm excited to see what I learn about growing up... and life... and living... in the not too distant future. I'm realizing my bad habits are stifling my potential and I need to get my act together if I want to live my life... This is big, man... big.
I'm not a huge fan of using quotes from people who have a worldview that is diametrically opposed to mine, but it is true when Ghandi said, "Be the change you want to see in the world." In this regard, I get to be the change I want to see in my life.. which is exciting, but crazy scary. I've never been a self-motivator. I've always heavily relied (sometimes inappropriately) on others for help, support, and escape. I haven't gotten into personal mantras or inspirational sayings, but I'm learning that I need those things if I ever want to turn my months-long inaction into something that could be really neat. But this is me. This can't be done by anyone else, or really with anyone else's help. This is on me to do for me (realizing, of course, that I am never alone in Jesus- what I mean is that from the human standpoint, this is a one-man show)... The wonderful thing is, however, that my motivation and inspiration is that I know that Jesus is living within me, He has called me to live my life as worship to Him, and it is my motivation that everything I think, say, and do reflects the love He showed us on the cross. Laying in bed thinking about how I don't want to do what I'm lead to do... that just doesn't cut it... so... yeah. that's whats on my mind at 3:18am today... good times.
In this vain, enjoy a little tune by my dawg... err frog... Kermit. He gets me, man.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
kapow!
hmmm... there are very literally dozens of things I could (and probably should) bla(h)g about right now... I don't know if I really want to dive in though.
Perhaps some random thoughts:
- God has put some amazing people into my life- wise, caring, insightful, Jesus-loving people. I am humbled by them.
- The theme in my "deep" conversations with people (mentor-type people) over the past 6 months or so has been that I have amazing potential... I don't know if I should be offended if that implies that I'm not living up to it right now... And, the billion dollar question is what do I have to do to indeed not be a Ryan Leaf, but be a Payton Manning (10 bonus points if you understand that analogy). Am I too old to be a Payton Manning?
- Quote of the day: "Don't worry about money, God's got more than enough."
- when looking at my heart, i see lots of scars... which causes me to pause.. finding happiness in the good memories, but then sad when realizing why they were wounds in the first place... But then I am overcome with a sense of hopefulness in that scars mean healing, and if it's healed before it'll heal again... I just have to hope that chicks really do dig scars. : )
- I hope to never be hopeless, I can only run out of toothpaste so many times...
- Not being in Chicago this weekend is a tremendous blessing.
- I wish i see what others see in me... i don't mean that to be self-depreciating, i just honestly don't... i'm just me... and thats typically pretty boring... eww that sounds so gross...
- "Create self es-teem through es-teem able acts" is worth living by (I separated that word, because the phrase is trademarked and I don't want to get sued...)
- perhaps i've been uukin poo nub (another 10 points for that reference) wrongly.
- There is a big difference between a 75 and 100 watt light bulb! so annoying.
- I hate not truly knowing my topic... this is seriously torturous...
- swimming pools and movie stars... could i really?
- I wonder if its possible to pray for the wrong things... and if that's the case does God not give you what you need because you're not asking for it? Is part of God's working getting us to recognize what we need so that he will provide it? Can one be any more confused when he doesn't even know what to pray for?
- I'm reading a devotional by Max Lucado (thanks mom!) and he says "God promises to be a light to our path, not provide a crystal ball for our future"... something along those lines... I like that idea, but I don't know if that's necessarily true... and if it is should I not be praying for big picture stuff? Imagine that! More confusion! ha!
- What do I have to do to make it my turn? What if it never is? gah! more big picture!
- Do I REALLY want to write a thesis someday??
- why do i have so many clothes? Seriously... and I'm very much emotionally attached to most of them... seems silly... at the same time... totally awesome.
- Can I go a week without using a :)? That could lead to a lot of misunderstandings... OH perhaps I give up emoticons for Lent! That would be SO 21st century of me... we'll see...
- Gall stones are bright green????
-Why are you still reading this? haha... I usually go back and proof my posts, but i'm going to leave this one as-is... this is about as organic as you can get in a bla(h)g... if you're confused, just click the "x" up in the corner of your browser and go about your day... some things aren't worth figuring out :)
Perhaps some random thoughts:
- God has put some amazing people into my life- wise, caring, insightful, Jesus-loving people. I am humbled by them.
- The theme in my "deep" conversations with people (mentor-type people) over the past 6 months or so has been that I have amazing potential... I don't know if I should be offended if that implies that I'm not living up to it right now... And, the billion dollar question is what do I have to do to indeed not be a Ryan Leaf, but be a Payton Manning (10 bonus points if you understand that analogy). Am I too old to be a Payton Manning?
- Quote of the day: "Don't worry about money, God's got more than enough."
- when looking at my heart, i see lots of scars... which causes me to pause.. finding happiness in the good memories, but then sad when realizing why they were wounds in the first place... But then I am overcome with a sense of hopefulness in that scars mean healing, and if it's healed before it'll heal again... I just have to hope that chicks really do dig scars. : )
- I hope to never be hopeless, I can only run out of toothpaste so many times...
- Not being in Chicago this weekend is a tremendous blessing.
- I wish i see what others see in me... i don't mean that to be self-depreciating, i just honestly don't... i'm just me... and thats typically pretty boring... eww that sounds so gross...
- "Create self es-teem through es-teem able acts" is worth living by (I separated that word, because the phrase is trademarked and I don't want to get sued...)
- perhaps i've been uukin poo nub (another 10 points for that reference) wrongly.
- There is a big difference between a 75 and 100 watt light bulb! so annoying.
- I hate not truly knowing my topic... this is seriously torturous...
- swimming pools and movie stars... could i really?
- I wonder if its possible to pray for the wrong things... and if that's the case does God not give you what you need because you're not asking for it? Is part of God's working getting us to recognize what we need so that he will provide it? Can one be any more confused when he doesn't even know what to pray for?
- I'm reading a devotional by Max Lucado (thanks mom!) and he says "God promises to be a light to our path, not provide a crystal ball for our future"... something along those lines... I like that idea, but I don't know if that's necessarily true... and if it is should I not be praying for big picture stuff? Imagine that! More confusion! ha!
- What do I have to do to make it my turn? What if it never is? gah! more big picture!
- Do I REALLY want to write a thesis someday??
- why do i have so many clothes? Seriously... and I'm very much emotionally attached to most of them... seems silly... at the same time... totally awesome.
- Can I go a week without using a :)? That could lead to a lot of misunderstandings... OH perhaps I give up emoticons for Lent! That would be SO 21st century of me... we'll see...
- Gall stones are bright green????
-Why are you still reading this? haha... I usually go back and proof my posts, but i'm going to leave this one as-is... this is about as organic as you can get in a bla(h)g... if you're confused, just click the "x" up in the corner of your browser and go about your day... some things aren't worth figuring out :)
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
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