on being green.

I've been thinking a lot about this whole "growing up" thing lately. When I say a lot, I mean if I'm awake for 18 hours in a day, I'll spend 14 pondering some aspect of maturing... that's probably not healthy...
regardless, it is on my mind and has been for the past several months. It makes sense with the shock and awe of being 30 and not at all where I thought I would be...
We've covered that ad nausem...
BUT I've finally come to a couple of conclusions! Progess!
I have really truly lived a charmed life. There are few things that I can think of that I wanted and didn't get as a teenager and even as someone in his 20's. I was able to travel (often in style), dress well, eat well, live well and everything else well without really trying. I went after the things that were either fun or easy and the majority of things were just flat out given to me. I don't say that to brag or anything of that nature, it is just an honest assessment. I have been richly blessed and have lived a charmed life.
Things came easily to me- jobs, relationships, the ladies, I would have three or four options for a Friday night, I could schmooze and yuck it up with the best of 'em and if I get into a little bit of trouble there was little I couldn't talk my way out of. Good times!
And my deficiencies- chiefly my lack of a degree- were easily dismissed with phrases like, "I've been to busy living to be stuck in a classroom", or "I'm doing just fine without it. har, har"...

But then things changed- and only now am I fully realizing it. I was given truly the opportunity of a lifetime to be a youth minister and I embraced it with open arms. But, I was in no way prepared for the job. I had people skills and a love of Jesus- which is certainly enough to get by (obviously, i'm still doin' it!) but I wasn't at all prepared for the pitfalls of said profession. Things like being a self-starter, little to no interaction with my peer group, the "glass house" paradigm, emotional ties to students, carrying burdens of hurting kids, the lack of understanding of what goes on behind the scenes... and on (I had a couple more in mind, but they escape me currently...) Anyway, those things I wasn't ready for, and some of them I've still not taken on fully. sometimes ignoring a problem does indeed make it go away- at least for the majority of time...
SO, not to dwell on the negative, but they are a reality- and the longer I stick with this vocation, the more apparent they become to me and to those around me. Its like the shininess of the armor is tarnishing quickly- at least in my mind- how can people NOT see my failures? To me they're screaming in everything I attempt. But that's another post...
To my point: these things have been made crystal clear to me lately. I don't exactly know why, but I would have to believe the Big Guy is showing me my warts so that I might be able to stop them in their tracks. I need to get some liquid nitrogen and freeze them off, you know? The longer I wait, the bigger and nastier they grow (lovely thought, I know...). And while it is absolutely gut wrenching to feel as if your weaknesses are on display for all to see, its encouraging to know that HE is made strong in those very weaknesses...
But there's more to it-
As I said last post, there has been an overwhelming number of people who have encouraged me to live to my potential lately, and I have this desire- this deep-rooted-my-very-soul-aches-and-from-my-toes-to-the-end-of-my-longest-hair longing to have a second half... to end this lonesomeness that has deeply affected and downright tormented me over the past 6-10 months. (sidenote: if things work like Frank Peretti writes, then the demon of loneliness has been my very shadow lately and he's really annoying...) I've tried to force things that just don't fit and as a result relationships that were good and really, truly wonderful have turned wearying and I fear that I've become burdensome. I don't know if it is ironic, really, but the things that came easiest to me as a 20 year old are the hardest as a 30 year old... I don't really want to be around people lately, I can't make decisions to save my life, and despite my brave-face desire for the contrary, I know that certain situations- even in the future- are truly hopeless.

BUT... BUT here's the rub. I think I know what I have to do to remedy this. I'm trying to be receptive to the Lord's promptings- I know He answers prayer, and I am pleading for clarity with all of this. And I really think I know what He's calling me to do- But I just... I can't bring myself to start to do it. I have all sorts of excuses to make it okay in my mind to maintain the status quo. I laid in bed today for no less than two hours going over what I truly believe I am to do in order to be able to move forward in this regard, and I still have no truly lasting resolve to make the changes necessary... I have gotten so used to things being given to me that I don't think that I really know HOW to set and achieve these sort of lofty goals. I need to work for this stuff, and right now, my laziness is trumping my desire to be what I want to be... What in the world, man??? The answer is in front of you... or even if this ISN'T the solution- it certainly would be good regardless and is a definite first step, and yet... gah! I have been a rain-forest of inaction. Now the trees of apathy and vines of lethargy and the sloths of... slothiness... have choked out ambition! THIS... this is maddening to realize.

I am a master at rationalizing and excusifying things away... my dad has long told me (half jokingly, I think) that I need a wife to take care of my sloppiness with money and organization- and I've latched on to that idea- I have been looking for someone who can make up for my failures and cover them up for me, not expose them to me and help me correct them. I met with someone that I really respect and look up to on Tuesday and I was kidding around about something that I'm not really good at and I said something to the effect of, "gee, i need a wife to take care of that for me."  But he shot that down right away- for the first time, he got me thinking of relationships totally differently. I kind of knocked my whole idea of a wife on its ear... The idea of my taking care of these things BEFORE I find that "other half"  and perhaps the reason why God has not yet opened that door to me just yet is because I haven't really come to grips with me yet, let alone me with someone else...  Anyway, this narcissistic rant is already too long... I'm sorry that you're still reading this...  And I feel kind of odd knowing this is all going to be on the interwebs for all to see- but... I dunno... This stuff is important and I'm just really stringing things together myself- I'm excited to see what I learn about growing up... and life... and living... in the not too distant future. I'm realizing my bad habits are stifling my potential and I need to get my act together if I want to live my life... This is big, man... big.

I'm not a huge fan of using quotes from people who have a worldview that is diametrically opposed to mine, but it is true when Ghandi said, "Be the change you want to see in the world." In this regard, I get to be the change I want to see in my life.. which is exciting, but crazy scary. I've never been a self-motivator. I've always heavily relied (sometimes inappropriately) on others for help, support, and escape. I haven't gotten into personal mantras or inspirational sayings, but I'm learning that I need those things if I ever want to turn my months-long inaction into something that could be really neat. But this is me. This can't be done by anyone else, or really with anyone else's help. This is on me to do for me (realizing, of course, that I am never alone in Jesus- what I mean is that from the human standpoint, this is a one-man show)... The wonderful thing is, however, that my motivation and inspiration is that I know that Jesus is living within me, He has called me to live my life as worship to Him, and it is my motivation that everything I think, say, and do reflects the love He showed us on the cross. Laying in bed thinking about how I don't want to do what I'm lead to do... that just doesn't cut it... so... yeah. that's whats on my mind at 3:18am today... good times.
In this vain, enjoy a little tune by my dawg... err frog... Kermit. He gets me, man.