oiy.
I'm awake despite the help of NyQuil... crazy.
Well, I am not going to try and explain away this past weekend- it was rough. Perhaps the roughest I've ever endured. There was some wrastling going on. For various reasons I was most definitely deep in the pit of despair. Reading/thinking about it now- even just 3 days later I feel icky and downright silly- like a complaining blithering fool- but I've decided to again let the words I wrote stay as-is. As I quoted Brenning Manning a couple of days ago- "To live by grace means to acknowledge my whole life story, the light side and the dark. In admitting my shadow side I learn who I am and what God's grace means." The latter part is especially true. God's grace is so much bigger than my petty fears and insecurities- I am just in awe.
The truth of the matter is that lately I've been all about me. I want to know what the future holds, I want to be in a committed relationship, I want to be fulfilled, I want to grow up, I want to do this and do that... and while self-discovery and self-awareness is very important, I made these demands without really taking anyone else into consideration. I frame the "your will be done" idea with- "this is what I want and this is what would be cool, so give me this and this and... oh... yourwillbedone." Not exactly seeking His face. But God is patient and is faithful and is helping realize that my plan is not His and even my grandest of dreams pale in comparison to his perfect will.
I was begging for a sign- something grandiose and dramatic, but I was reminded today that God doesn't often work that way. He spoke to Elijah not through the wind, earthquake, or fire, but by a still small voice. He spoke to Balaam through his donkey- and while, that is indeed grandiose, it certainly wasn't something Balaam was looking for. And His Word became flesh not as a king with royal pomp and circumstance, but in the person of a tiny little baby in a manger. I'm told to "be still and know He is God" and "take heart and wait for the Lord" but my ADD of human nature takes over and my mind runs wild and my stomach knots and I like Peter take my eyes of the Savior and then start to quickly sink. But just like Peter, the Shepherd is always near, and He is graciously, once again, pulling me out of the briny depths and holding me firmly in His arms. Nonetheless, I am cold and wet and I feel like a child for ever taking my eyes off of Him. But this is all part of the refining process. This has been more than just this weekend- for the past several months I have been wondering through this valley, this weekend I just reached the scary crags and crevasses. But now, by grace and grace alone am I beginning to emerge. I feel as if I went into it (thinking) I was in the lead, but I'm coming out of it gripping my Lord's hand. Or maybe- like I used to hold my dad's hand as a lad- I'm holding on to just His big finger- my little, futile hands too small to fit into His whole nail-marked hand.
So now it's a matter of how my future, my relationships, my self-fulfillment, my maturity- all the things I want to "work on"- how can those fully reflect my Savior? How can they be in-step with what His good and perfect will is for me? And, duh, its not about me trying to figure these things out, its about Him showing me what He has planned- His whispering in His still, small, voice. So, as bashful as I am about my often whiney-ness that this bla(h)g spews forth, I stand with Manning- my shadow side shows that God is working within me... it just takes me longer than the average bear to realize this. I'm thankful for a all-loving and always patient God, and I hope my friends are equally as such... if I were them, I would have bailed on me a long time ago...
Alright! 4am, big day tomorrow- really, REALLY excited for the weekend- God is incredible in his faithfulness- truly. I'm not out of this valley just yet, but I see a clearing and that makes my heart glad. As Corrie Ten Boom said: "When a train goes through a tunnel and it gets dark, you don't throw away the ticket and jump off. You sit still and trust the engineer." I'm trying really hard to sit still... I've never been good at that... but I absolutely trust the Engineer.
Thank you God for your ceaseless patience and grace!
No comments:
Post a Comment