through the fog

Today’s drive was fog the entire way. It was kind of exhilarating not knowing what’s more than 400 feet in front of you. As such, I didn’t really have the tunes playing, I was trying to concentrate on the road. Alas, my thoughts wondered a bit and I decided to use the time for prayer. Not just for safe travels, but for the dozens of people to whom I tell I will keep in my prayers, but usually forget about. I remember when I was a lad I went to a concert at Northwestern College… I think it was Dick and Mel Tunney, I don’t know why I would remember that name if it wasn’t… Anyway, Mel talked about needing to keep the promise of praying for those that you tell you will… That’s always been in the back of my mind, and when I actually take the time to dig into prayer (which is shamefully not nearly enough) I rack my brain to remember who I promised to keep in said prayers. The little old lady who taught art at my high school used to have a list of all the students at her bedside and she would pray for each of us by name every night. That’s awesome. I have a roster of all our high school and college kids in my office and I often pray over it asking for God’s providence and safe-keeping.
ANYWAY, this morning was a good morning of prayer, and being that I know prayer works and I know our almighty and eternal Father in Heaven hears them, I ask that you would keep these folks and situations in your prayers too: (I’ll keep them as anonymous as possible, God knows who they are…)
Would you take a second and ask that the Lord would guide decisions and let those making them know that He is always beside them. Pray for the G family and they are in a really rough patch, may the Lord give them hope- a light at the end of the tunnel. Pray for FR, that she would always seek the Lord and remain in Him as He remains in her. Pray for BK that he would return to the cross where his salvation was won. Gracious God, Be with those who are hurting and grieving. Be with the kids who are lonely and aching to be made whole. May they look not to peers, not to themselves, but to the God of all generations. Be with our church and her leadership that they may always seek God’s will and be ambassadors of that will. Continue to guide and protect ML as seemingly everything around him crumbles. May he always look to the One who is the same yesterday, today, and forever.
These are a mere tip of the iceberg… please keep them in your prayers. They’ll never know it, but they will certainly appreciate it! Thanks Bla(h)g audience!

whole lot a nuttin'

Well today was my day off... i haven't showered, brushed my teeth or put on socks. what a great day!! 10:38... time to do some homework :)

super tuesday!!

Man, this might be the greatest musical day ever: NEW Kina Grannis, NEW David Gray (it took me a while, I know) and, bestest of all a Mark Heard mixtape from my hommie JG.... so awesome! I need to drive around for the next 4 hours to hear it all!!!

100,000 miles of love

Well, the Rendey turned over 100,000 miles this morning. I had planned on getting out and dancing to commemorate this event, but it happened right in the middle of St. Peter. You see a guy on the side of the highway at 70mph, you don't know if he's dancing or changing a tire. In the middle of St. Peter, however... there's no missing the guy who's dancing around his car at 8:30 in the morning. Normally I wouldn't care what people think... but today i did. Regardless, hundred G's for the 'vou. It's been a good 3.5 years that I've had my lovely black SUV. It wasn't the most popular decision I've ever made when I purchased her, but honestly, it really has been the perfect vehicle for me and my employ. The 4th day I had her I was crusin' the mean streets of East Bloomington with the Sun roof open and the tunes blastin'... I forgot to close the moon roof on the eve of the biggest rain of the year and my cup holders flooded and leather seats bloated and all sorts of craziness... but, alas she dried out and lesson learned, and she's never taken a bath on the inside since.
we've had some good times... I've had a lot of memories whilst driving... not so much in the Rendey, but my red car I took to Wyoming... man oh man that thing was a museum on wheels. And the Green Sonata I drove in high school... if that gray cloth interior could talk... I like driving- i love road trips. The drone of the road with the wind seeping in the cracks of the doors and windows. Nothing to do, no where to go, no awkward eye contact- just lookin' ahead chattin' with the person next to you, or jammin' to the sweet tunes playing on the stereo. Good times, good times.
SO, here's to another 100 grand, oh regal Buick, maybe by then I'll have you paid off. :)

What's the deal?

So I used a new soap today. It's the new Dove for men stuff. It was cheap and came with a free loofah. i'm a sucker for loofahs- seeing as i just threw away my 6 year old Spiderman loofah, I was in the market for a new loofah. I like saying loofah. Anyway, I got it, it smells good and all, but it has those stupid micro beads in it. What's the deal with the micro beads, soap makers?? It's supposed to be deep cleansing... but really it feels i got into a fight with a cat with really weak paws. seriously its annoying! Whens the last time you looked at your arm and thought, "hmmm I'm really well exfoliated today!" never. so why put little pieces of dirt in my soap? Thankfully, it was only a 3-pack so I can be micro bead free soon.
...this is what happens when you have hours to drive with nothing but your thoughts to keep your company... :)

vanilla and skunks.

I'm watching the Invention of Lying for a class... and I'm reminded why it replused me the first time I saw it. Great premise (in a world that has never lied, a guy figures out how)... terrible terrible direction (tells "lie" of religion and heaven and creates a cult and looks like Jesus...)
blagh.
totally an utterly offensive.

New Ulm Bound

Ah, Herman the German how I've missed thee. Today is the fifth sojourn to the German Town as an Eagle. So many great memories as a kid (as a Wildcat, of course)- getting killed by every team we played, eating Snickers ice cream bars for all three meals, trick plays, and Larry Fritzgerald schooling me in my last grade school basketball game... good times.
This year is a short journey, sadly. No cards or ribs or talks with Schoenherr... just chapel and lunch and gone. Good luck boys and girls; we have a 11 year winning streak, keep on rollin'!

i know it's an easter hymn... but...

one of my fav's:
sing along here!!

Awake, my heart, with gladness,
See what today is done;
Now, after gloom and sadness,
Comes forth the glorious Sun.
My Savior there was laid
Where our bed must be made
When to the realms of light
Our spirit wings its flight.

The foe in triumph shouted
When Christ lay in the tomb;
But, lo, he now is routed,
His boast is turned to gloom.
For Christ again is free;
In glorious victory
He Who is strong to save
Has triumphed o’er the grave.

This is a sight that gladdens;
What peace it doth impart!
Now nothing ever saddens
The joy within my heart.
No gloom shall ever shake,
No foe shall ever take,
The hope which God’s own Son
In love for me hath won.

Now hell, its prince, the devil
Of all their powers are shorn;
Now I am safe from evil,
And sin I laugh to scorn.
Grim Death with all his might
Cannot my soul affright;
He is a powerless form,
Howe’er he rave and storm.

The world against me rageth
Its fury I disdain;
Though bitter war it wageth
Its work is all in vain.
My heart from care is free,
No trouble troubles me.
Misfortune now is play
And night is bright as day.

Now I will cling forever
To Christ, my Savior true;
My Lord will leave me never,
Whate’er He passeth through.
He rends Death’s iron chain,
He breaks through sin and pain,
He shatters hell’s dark thrall,
I follow Him through all.

To halls of heavenly splendor
With Him I penetrate;
And trouble ne’er may hinder
Nor make me hesitate.
Let tempests rage at will,
My Savior shields me still;
He grants abiding peace
And bids all tumult cease.

He brings me to the portal
That leads to bliss untold,
Whereon this rhyme immortal
Is found in script of gold:
“Who there My cross hath shared
Finds here a crown prepared;
Who there with Me hath died
Shall here be glorified.”

Wednesday Goodness.

I love lent! I realize that sounds macabre’. I don’t love the reason for lent- the fact that Jesus had to die for me. But I love that He did! And I love that He went through all the pain and suffering that I would be spared the same fate. That’s a love that cannot be explained, and to take 6 weeks in commemoration of it… that’s awesome. But there’s more to the season that I love. I love the hymns. Good Lutheran minor-keyed hymns. O Sacred Head and What Wondrous Love Is This and Stricken, Smitten, and Afflicted… goosebumps. Of course the food before church is awesome, and the sermons are usually pretty raw and without frills. Wednesday night Lenten services are not to be missed.
I remember going around to all the different churches with my dad when he swapped pulpits with the pastors in the area. He preached the same sermon week after week and I heard it over and over. I had it memorized by the end. I loved going to the old Emmanuel Lutheran and finding all the nooks and crannies in the antiquated, regal building. Good times and great memories on the road with my pops.
But I think I love the timing of it the most. Lent in Minnesota is perfect. It typically starts in February. We are saddled with the grim reality of Christ’s passion; his suffering and torment and death for us. It’s the coldest, nastiest, dog-days of winter and we’re inside a chilly church focusing on our Saviors ascent to the cross. The windows are dark and the air outside is sharp and cutting. Each week more and more ominous inside church as we get closer and closer to the cross, but in a wonderful paradox outside the weather is getting nicer and nicer. Good Friday comes and the darkest of nights in the Church Year is actually kind of pretty outside. The sun is just setting as you go in for an early Tenebrae. And then, Easter Sunday comes and the cold snow and dark-at-5pm days are a mere memory as spring is in full swing. Truly (and I know I use this phrase too oft, but I just love it so much) everything sad has come untrue with the resurrection of our Lord and Savior Jesus!
I love how Lent is a journey. I love how Lent in Minnesota is not just something you experience in church for an hour mid-week; rather you live it in everyday life. As the winter chill gives way to blissful springtime warmth, so to the bitter cold of death completely loses its sting in the warm, bright shining of the Son who rose triumphantly on Easter morn.
I also love cheap fish sandwiches at McDonald’s… but that’s beside the point…

Lots of people give stuff up for Lent. I joked I was going to give up being awesome this year, but that proved to be difficult. (Apparently instead I gave up humility) Someone whom I greatly respect gave up Facebook for Lent last year which is truly a testament to willpower and self-control. I couldn’t do it.
My man Jason Gray wrote a cool diddy about the tradition HERE.
I’m going give up trying to think of something to give up for Lent. I know that seems like a cheeky cop out, but it’s not. The practice, to me, is our way of saying Jesus’ work on the cross wasn’t good enough so I’m going to emulate His suffering by eliminating something I enjoy as I think about His death. That’s goofy. Jesus’ death and resurrection once and for all sealed our sins as forgiven and our citizenship that of Paradise. Nothing I do can in any way contribute to that saving work nor can begin to imitate it.
God’s will was for His Son to die in our stead. It’s a painful thought to think that our Creator had to endure such horrible torture in order for me to be saved, but it is reality, thanks be to God! I have this need to 1-know God’s will, and 2- help Him make it better. This needs to stop. Not just for Lent, but forever. I need to let God be God and I need to focus on being his servant and ambassador. Giving up red meat on Fridays or caffeine or what have you will in no way add to the salvation Jesus won for me on Calvary. So I’m not going to give anything up. In fact, I am going to strive to live even more abundantly -drowning in God’s grace and fully consumed by His mercy…
As Lent is a journey, so too is life. May my life’s journey be filled with the motivation fully reflect the love that we see hanging on the cross in everything I think, say, and do.

new music! yay!

new obsession: the band Mumford and Sons. check 'em out!
ALSO, the Morning Bender's new album drops next tuesday... these are good things!

put the mallow on the graham...

. ...

(link is HERE in case it doesn't play above...)

I think there are a lot of lessons in this video. Obviously, its silly to see kids struggle to ignore the tasty (and apparently pleasant smelling) marshmallow in front of them. You put something sweet within reaching distance of a kid, and you can bet it’s going to be eaten… But I looked at it a little deeper. I think the girl who just grabbed it and chowed down is awesome! Why do you need two mallows? One is sufficient for me. I wonder how often that is us in our walk with Christ. God gives us amazing blessings but rather than enjoy them or use them to His glory we sit and wait for more. We rationalize one is sweet, but two is sweeter. And we poke and prod, but we wait and wait for more. Sometimes its OK to wait. A 16-year-old doesn't need their own car right away. Its OK to be patient and wait until the time is better and more age-appropriate. Likewise, it’s smart to save some money for crisis or retirement. Nest eggs are not sinful, despite some conservative opinions otherwise.
But how often do we treat our own gifts and abilities to share the Gospel like that marshmallow on a plate. God has given us the means to effectively go and tell, but we sit and wait. We think we need to read one more book or practice one more time and then we can go out and tell others about Christ. I know I’m guilty of that. I did a lot of mission trips in high school and college and I was never all that good at engaging in conversation about my faith. I always thought that once I actually worked for the church, then I could better speak as a position of authority and thus more effectively tell of Jesus. WELL, 5 years later and I still struggle to give an answer for the hope I have in my Savior. I have yet to just eat the marshmallow and thank God for providing it for me.
I don’t know… maybe this is a bit of a stretch and I’m trying to hard to read something into it... Maybe its just a cute vid of kids mustering all their strength to be patient… but somewhere in there there’s gotta be a sermon illustration or two… thoughts?

What I learned today: Abe Lincoln was the first president to be born out of the original 13 colonies.
What I learned about God today:
Grant that I may willingly
Bear with Thee my crosses,
Learning humbleness of Thee,
Peace mid pain and losses.
May I give Thee love for love!
Hear me, O my Savior,
That I may in heaven above
Sing Thy praise forever.

for dean...

Welp, it was snowing last night. Hard. Very hard. And the wind was pretty severe, thus I decided not to journey northern. No time indoors for me. Which is fine. I got a ton of work done and was able to hang with a kid that I hadn’t seen for a while. Needless to say, I didn’t post all weekend because of laziness, not because of anything noble or exciting… I honestly had a topic in mind to write about, but it just went away… man, I must be 29 or something… what was I going to say???? Dang.

So my brother in law is honestly one of my favorite people on earth, I love ‘em tons. Well, his dad died the other day and that bums me out. His dad was larger than life and always fun to be around. I actually have known him longer than my sister. His name was Dan, but I first met him when I was a kid up at summer camp where he was the boy’s dean. Everyone called him “the dean”… I thought his name WAS Dean… He finally told me after a week his name was Dan… oops. He also taught me the card game 500. that’s big. I love 500 and their family’s variant called Pheffer. Many a night spent playing cards into the weeeeee hours. He’ll be missed.

I don’t remember where I first heard this, but Genesis 22 talks about Abraham taking his son up to be sacrificed. I was taught that from early on, not really thinking about it that much, but in verse 5 there is a testament of faith that I can only pray to come close to. It reads as follows; “He [Abraham] said to his servants, ‘Stay here with the donkey while I and the boy go over there. We will worship and then we will return.’” Did you see it? As far as Abraham knew he was going to kill his son for the Lord. That’s all God told him; “Take your son, your only son, Isaac... and sacrifice him there as a burnt offering” (22:2) But what does Abraham say? WE will worship and WE will return!!! I don’t think that’s on accident. God promised Abraham that he would be the father of a great nation, Abraham knew that God keeps His promises… so who knows what Abraham was thinking, maybe he was just saying that because he didn’t want to freak out Isaac or his servants, maybe he was just trying to formulate a plan. Or maybe he knew that God would provide- either a way out or a miracle, regardless he told his servants they would both return. He was right- God provided a ram and Isaac was spared.
The New Testament sheds light on what Abraham was thinking: Heb 11:17-19:
"17 By faith Abraham, when God tested him, offered Isaac as a sacrifice. He who had received the promises was about to sacrifice his one and only son,18 even though God had said to him, "It is through Isaac that your offspring will be reckoned."19 Abraham reasoned that God could raise the dead, and figuratively speaking, he did receive Isaac back from death. "

We can have the same confidence when we head up the mountain of death. We know we will return- not return to this sinful world, but rather to life eternal. As Dan’s Caring Bridge site said, he was just declared cancer free as he sits at the feet of his Creator. Dan in Paradise for the same reason I will be- God provided a ram in the thicket for us in the person of His Son Jesus. He once and for all conquered sin, death, and the devil! Man oh man what gift…
It’s hard not to be bummed about Dan… but as Eugene Peterson paraphrases Psalm 30:11-12 in “The Message”
“You did it: you changed wild lament
into whirling dance;
You ripped off my black mourning band
and decked me with wildflowers.
I'm about to burst with song;
I can't keep quiet about you.
God, my God,
I can't thank you enough!”

What I learned about God this weekend: (see above)
What I learned this weekend: I need to be indoors… soon. Also, wisdom isn’t taught…

oh look! a friday!

Hmmm
Well I’m not particularly inspired this fine evening. I am, however, planning a retreat. I’m going to take this presidents day weekend and I am going to go up north. No, I will not hunt for my food or grow a beard… I’m going to go up nort by myself and chill. No phones or interwebs, just me and my thoughts and time with my Creator… and the Augsburg Confessions… I have to write a paper… so there will be some homework done… but that’s OK. It’s a paper on forgiveness, something I need to learn more about. So yeah Sunday night I’m just gonna drive up… we’ll see where it takes me… I might cheat my own rules and go online just enough to post on the bla(h)g… we’ll see.

I’m sorry for the downer posts these last couple of weeks. Starting a bla(h)g in the middle of winter in MN is NOT a good idea!
Its like hey, I’m me- good to meet you…. I HATE LIFE… ha!
Trust me, that is NOT who I am. You know, according to Google Analytics, I’ve had over 300 unique page views and an average of 25 daily readers in 5 countries… that’s nuts!! There are people reading this who have no idea who I am, which is kinda cool. I’m purposefully keeping this as anonymous as possible. I’d love to be an Everyman- I’m sure you struggle with some of the same things as I do, so I hope that there’s something that you can take away from this little experiment… trust me, once the sun starts blazing, things will get a lot brighter around here! Just you wait!

Today I learned:
people have noticed i stopped telling you what i learned! who knew? :)
I also learned that a $22 windshield wipers are NOT worth the money... grrr.

Today I learned about God:
i really want to be more of a mirror- reflecting His love...

relatively...

I have some thoughts knocking around about this:
http://theooze.tv/thinkfwd/nick-fiedler-hopefully-skeptic
your thoughts?

Personally, I don’t know where to start… this is my generation. We have always had what we wanted when we wanted it how we wanted. It’s no wonder we don’t expect our religion to be tailor made. we can pick and chose like Jefferson and create our own ideal...
The whole idea that you need to be skeptical in order to have real faith is insulting. Faith is being sure of what you hope for and certain of what you do not see. Nothing in there about skepticism making it genuine. Granted, I have had doubts. Lots of them, and I’ve over come those doubts by diving into the Word and knowing the nail-marked hands of our Savior is holding me close to His heart. I don’t consider my faith any more genuine or real, I just thank God that he would use something like my human desire to figure stuff out and use it to being me closer to Him…
More than that, however, the concept of customizing my religion is so bunk! Who am I to say that I know better than God? I understand His will and his gift of prayer (for instance) better than He? Praying to ask for things is a waste of time? Pray unceasingly, Paul tells us. The Lord’s Prayer asks to give us our daily bread and to deliver us from evil… no conversation with the Most High is ever a waste of time. Blah. I really can’t clearly get across my sadness for this guy and the fear I have for the future of the church in America… post modernism really bums me out.

this is fitting, I think:
"Even our beliefs have become trend statements. We don’t even believe things because we believe them anymore. We only believe things because they are cool things to believe. The problem with Christian belief—I mean real Christian belief, the belief that there is a God and a devil and a heaven and a hell—is that it is not a fashionable thing to believe."
- Donald Miller, Blue Like Jazz

make you feel proud

On Monday my all-time favorite professor, Dennis, told me he was proud of me for taking the time and initiative to go back to school. He was very much part of my decision to leave in the first place. He encouraged me to use my gifts in the way that I am able to now. I got a lot of love and respect for him, so when he took genuine interest in my current situation, listened to the sort of struggles that I'm dealing with currently, and then said that he was proud of me, I had to hold back tears. THEN- THEN- he offered to be my senior LA advisor… which is a huge deal. He probably will have 20-30 applicants, he can take only 2 every 2 years… and he wants me to take one of those spots- without applying. Awesome.
There are few phrases that hold more meaning to me than “I’m proud of you”. Some people hold “I love you” up there… I really don’t. Our society over uses the word love so much that it no longer has real meaning… or, at least not a universal meaning. What “love” means between two people is much different than what “love” means to me and my deep affection of the MN Twins.
But “proud”, that has a universally understood meaning. When I tell someone I’m proud of them it means that I would brag about them to everyone and that every ounce of my leaps for joy as they accomplish what they set out to do. I don’t throw that phrase around at all. I don’t mess around with telling people that I’m proud of them if I'm not. If you hear it from me, it’s because I absolutely am beaming with pride with you and for you. I've been so blessed to have SO MANY people- kids, helpers, peers that are so amazingly talented and so giving... they just make me proud. SUPER proud- and I honestly talk them up to everyone. I treat their success as if it's my own, and I honestly exude delight when I speak of them. I hope I take the opportunity to tell all the wonderful people in my life how truly proud of them I really am, and they would always know that I am so pleased for them and with them.
I don’t know why it is, but when someone tells me that they’re proud of something I’ve done… it always gets me a bit misty eyed. I’m sure there’s some unresolved childhood issue there somewhere, but regardless, if someone I look up to tells me they’re proud, it puts a couple extra bounces in my step. The fact is, I know that I've done alot of things... way more than I'd ever admit... that have made me not proud, let alone the people I love and respect. I try not to do many things in order to gain recognition. I just do what it takes to get the job done. I don't really depend on other's thoughts too much- at least I try not too... Truth be told, being in the ministry, you learn that no news is good news. Typically if your inbox is empty and your voicemail is at zero, than you’re doing OK. People don’t usually go out of their way to tell you the good things you do, but you bet your bottom dollar you’ll hear about it when you slip up or make a mistake. Its not a bad thing, per say, its just the way things work… This whole school thing has been a large detraction from my job, as you can imagine, so I haven’t really heard many positive things about it from the people I interact with daily. It’s been treated (chiefly by me) as a necessary inconvenience… so for Dennis to understand that but tell me he was proud of me… that’s sweet as candy.
So thanks, Dennis! Your words boosted me like none other and your genuine concern and care… it means a whole heck of a lot!

Nichole Nordeman’s “Legacy” comes to mind… I’m not a huge fan of the song, but it fits:
I don't mind if you've got something nice to say about me
And I enjoy an accolade like the rest
You could take my picture and hang it in a gallery
Of all who's who and so-n-so's that used to be the best
At such'n'such ... it wouldn't matter much
I won't lie, it feels alright to see your name in lights
We all need an 'Atta boy' or 'Atta girl'
But in the end I'd like to hang my hat on more besides
The temporary trappings of this world
I want to leave a legacy
How will they remember me?
Did I choose to love? Did I point to You enough
To make a mark on things?
I want to leave an offering
A child of mercy and grace who
blessed your name unapologetically
And leave that kind of legacy
I don't have to look too far or too long awhile
To make a lengthly list of all that I enjoy
It's an accumulating trinket and a treasure pile
Where moth and rust, thieves and such will soon enough destroy
Not well traveled, not well read, not well-to-do or well bred
Just want to hear instead, "Well Done" good and faithful one...

early morning lemonade...

*sigh* I was awoken (grrrrr) and cannot get back to sleep which is worrisome as there will be several inches of snow on the ground in 5 hours when I have to leave… oh well. Let’s make some lemonade from these lemons, shall we?
So these past several posts have been quite glum, I must admit. I can’t apologize for it, I’m just feeling how I feel… but there comes a time when one needs to realize what cannot be changed and accept that reality, and look for things that can be changed and focus on making those things better… I love the book of Job. You can really find fodder for feeling sorry for yourself. He was down in the deepest of the dumps. But the thing I love most is God’s response to Job’s 36 verses of complaining. He starts out in Job 38:
Brace yourself like a man;
I will question you,
and you shall answer me.
ha! I love that- God talking smack. YOU QUESTION ME?? Now I will respond- face me like a man! I love that! Then he goes into the most excellent display of power… He asks- where were you when I created the earth? And on and on – read it here- I just love that. God hears our prayers and He is patience personified… but at the end of the day HE is the CREATOR of the world! He knows ALL- and He cares! He knows my heart, He knows my needs, He knows my desires and my talents and my shortcomings and He will put me where He wants me on His time. He is God, and He patiently allows me to sulk for a couple of days, but as he reminded Job, He reminds me- He is he One in charge, and I am left with no reply other than Job’s in verse 42-
“I know that you can do all things;
no plan of yours can be thwarted.”

Not much more can be said after that. Thank you Lord for your tenderkindness!

date with fate

I had delusions of writing a grand manifesto entitled “My Date With Fate”. Allegorical yet true, it would have been awesome. But, alas, some things need to remain buried…
But, in honor of the 5 year anniversary of my date with Fate (a fateful day to be sure)… a song by Dave Matthews:
The world is blowing up
The world is caving in
The world has lost her way again
But you were here with me
That makes it ok

I hear you still talk to me
As if you're sitting in that dusty chair
Makes the hours easier to bare
I know despite the years alone
I'll always listen to you sing your sweet song
And if it's all the same to you

I love you oh so well
Like a kid loves candy and fresh snow
I love you oh so well
Enough to fill up heaven overflow and fill hell
Love you oh so well

And it's cold and darkness falls
It's as if you're in the next room so alive
I could swear I hear you singing to me

I love you oh so well
Like a kid loves candy and fresh snow
I love you oh so well

one of those... months...

Ecclesiastes 3
A Time for Everything
1 There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under heaven:
2 a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
3 a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
4 a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
5 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
6 a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
7 a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
8 a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.

Job 3:26 I have no peace, no quietness;
I have no rest, but only turmoil.

I think we as Christians sometimes shy away from feeling sad. We may feel down, but when push comes to shove we squash that feeling and quickly tell ourselves that it’s OK because God is in control. Now, don’t get me wrong, I know that God is in control, but lately I’ve felt sad. Yet, I’ve put a happy face on and gone through the motions of life and made believe as it everything is OK. Well, bla(h)g readers, everything is not OK. And it’s OK to say that. Ecclesiastes says there’s a time for everything- including mourning and weeping. It’s okay to be sad. Look at Job and Solomon and Jeremiah and Paul they all experienced profound sadness and wrote all about it. I hate it when people say, “don’t be sad” or “don’t feel that way” or “you can’t be that way”… no, people need to feel as they feel, and we need to let them and be a support for them. It’s OK to feel however you feel. And today, I feel sad. I feel discontent. I feel empty. I think there’s a touch of Seasonal Affective Disorder kicking in… As I think back to my darkest times, they seem to be all in winter months, so this is no different. I’m just bummed.
I believe self-disclosure is the most important attribute a person can have- especially as a person that works with people. Its not cool to hide things or be two-faced, so I make a consorted effort to life live on my sleeve- even when life ain’t fun or pretty. In that vein, let me share. I don’t ask you to understand, nor do I ask you to even read, I’m just venting via the interwebs…

I really didn’t think getting old would affect me this much, but man… staring down the barrel of near 3 decades is really really nutty. It’s not so much that I’ll be 29… its just where I am in life that is discouraging…
Being in school still is really depressing, there’s no other way to put it. I really want to get past it, but it is hard to do. There are 2 professors at Bethany right now that are younger than me. It’d be laughable if it wasn’t so sad. And I am still a year away! I will have to commute at least another whole semester. I know I have no right complain about something that I’ve been working toward for 11 years, and now I’m a mere 18 months away… but still it’s a daily kick in the stomach walking into Old Main.
That and I have a profession that in its core is noble and awesome, but more and more each day I question the value… That’s a whole ‘nother debate, but am I needed? I’m not asking that in a attempt to pander for sympathy or affirmation… not at all. It’s a basic human question. We all want to know that what we are spending our time and energies on are valuable, and lately I just don’t know. I feel as if I’ve helped more people waitering at the Olive Garden than I have as a youth guy. At least people would leave my table at OG well fed, I can’t say the same (spiritually or physically) about my current occupation. I know it’s not about me- I know I really do, but I feel like I feel, and right now I feel kinda useless.
The fact that I work with kids, in an office of people a generation older than me, and I go to school filled with people at least 10 years my junior… I realized today that I can go 7 or 8 days without ever having an meaningful conversation with a peer. Do you know what that’s like? No. you don’t. it sucks. 29 and single was not part of the ole’ 10 year plan… that’s all that can be said about that.
I think that the older I get the more insecure I get because I no longer compare to my peer’s station in life, if that makes any sense. Lack of confidence is a deadly curse, but I find myself more and more saddled with that poison. I hate it, but I don’t know how to stop it. The fact that I really- every part of me- longs for a significant change in my life- but I am utterly stuck by lack of education and economic downfalls is crippling! I, for the first time in my life don’t know where to find joy. I have no outlet right now, and it takes my insides and churns them round like a blender on puree. I’m at a loss in trying to explain…
Eh, I dunno. Venting (euphemism for complaining) is frivolous because this is something I just gotta weather. I know I will. I hate that this bla(h)g is all melancholy. I promise I'm not a negative person!!! But tonight… I'm sad.

green and black blues

coaching is the worst! I hate losing! but man am i good at it. we're like 0-12 this year, and it's brutal. the thing is my destain is selfish... i hate to lose cuz it makes me look bad. Parents look across the court at me and question my every move with their eyes... and i have no answer. I never said i was a coach, but here i am with my little team of ADD hooligans who would rather be playing My Little Pony's... we practice hard, we say we're focused, but we get out there and stink up the joint. I cannot be positive any longer. we're terrible, and it's largely becaus of my poor coaching... blagh. abosolutly deflating. needless to say, the NBA won't be calling anytime soon... sad panda

oops.

busy busy day tomorrow... and its snowing... which means i have to get up early to leave early... but i made the mistake of taking a nap this evening. rookie move.
ooooh well. at least it's friday... right?

Beuchner Goodness

"Stop trying to protect, to rescue, to judge, to manage the lives around you . . . remember that the lives of others are not your business. They are their business. They are God’s business . . . even your own life is not your business. It also is God’s business. Leave it to God. It is an astonishing thought. It can become a life-transforming thought . . . unclench the fists of your spirit and take it easy . . . What deadens us most to God’s presence within us, I think, is the inner dialogue that we are continuously engaged in with ourselves, the endless chatter of human thought. I suspect that there is nothing more crucial to true spiritual comfort . . . than being able from time to time to stop that chatter . . . "
- Frederick Buechner, "Telling Secrets"

this, too, shall pass...

Senior Year- there was a girl… we’ll call her Sally. She was great. We were in the musical together junior year and we totally hung out and we were like instant BFF’s. And we spent the whole summer together and my best friend- well call him Bob- would hang out with us all the time- and when school started we were like inseparateable we would just stay up all night talking and after school Sally and Bob and I would go to Perkins and drink a ton of coffee and sort of commiserate… I don’t even like coffee… but I did when she was around.
Anyway… good times… but we weren’t going out- we were just dating… at the time that meant something to me, but I really don’t remember the difference… whatever…
Anyway. Sally and I were both in our school’s tour choir, the Croixaliers and one fateful weekend we had 2 or 3 performances like Thursday night Friday at a school and Friday night performances- something like that- so we all stayed over at Sally’s house and had a super fun time- we had a BBQ and a fire pit bonfire... In fact, Bob came- even though he wasn’t a Croixalier.
To recap- Sally and I dating, not “going out” Bob- best friend non Croixalier- but avid coffee drinker- all at Sally’s house.
Saturday morning rolls around we’re all sprawled out on Sally’s living room floor I awaken early- go to the kitchen to get a glass of refreshing Orange Juice and I look out the window into the back yard and I see Sally and Bob sitting out there by the fire pit with their backs to the window and I wonder… “hmm what are then doing out there… I’m going to put my shoes on so I can join them." As I place my footwear upon my feet I look up and I see much to my shock that Sally and Bob are very close to each other… so close in fact that their lips are touching in what looked to be a passionate kiss. Yeah.
In my dismay, I fell forward on to the sliding glass door making a tremendous noise with broke them from their embrace to turning and looking at me as my face was pressed against the window.

My life was OVER. My best friend just totally scammed on MY girlfriend who wasn’t REALLY my girlfriend because we were just dating, not going out, but it was inevitable.
I.
loved.
her.
So I left.
We had a performance that night but I didn’t care, I was heartbroken and no Croixalier should have to perform when his heart is shattered and his world is collapsing before his eyes.
Luckily I drove- in fact I drove Bob, but he was on his own now. So I jumped in my car and drove home absolutely sobbing- we’re talking the ugly cry face for a solid 2 hours. The mix tape she had just made me was playing and every song was more of a gut wrenching experience. So much in fact that I threw it out the window in an act of defiance. That’ll teach her. So I get home and my parent’s are like what’s going on and I’m a wreck and I’m like “Leave me alone- you don’t know anything cuz you’re old” and I slam my door and sob into my Sesame Street pillow case- true story- my mom comes down to my room and she stands there as I convulse with teenage angst and she just says. You seem upset.
Very astute, Linda is.
I, being 18, yell something to the effect of DUH and Go away.
She lets me vent and return to my pillow and she calmly asks, have you prayed about it?
SIGH
This was not what I wanted to hear. I’m like Mom- God can wait for my tears to subside and my world to stop colliding with the rouge asteroid that is heartless women and back stabbing friends.
She just stood there and then she let me know lunch was in an hour and walked away. As I turn to see if she was gone I noticed she had left a book on my dresser. It was her Bible that was all written in and well read and well broken. And she had left it open to Romans 8:28 and wrote in big letters- “READ THIS”
… after potty training, that might have been the coolest thing my mom has ever done for me…

Romans 8:28-39- selected verses:

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose
What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?
Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. Who is he that condemns? Christ Jesus, who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword?
No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord!!

What awesome words! Words that continue to bring comfort and peace even in the darkest of days.
Maybe it’s the weather- it’s been so cold outside and Spring seems to be so elusive
Or maybe it’s because there’s a Democrat in office… or because the economy sticks..
But for whatever reason, relationships all around me are being stretched and challenged.
Not just my own, but so many high school kids have come to me and have told me about best friends who are waning
or significant others who drifting
or solid friends who are softening
or communication with parents is breaking down.

There are a lot of people who are hurting and confused and wondering right now because of problems with relationships that were something a couple of months ago but aren’t so much right now.
And I find myself asking them the same thing as my mom did 11 years ago- have you prayed about it? And then the sweet words of Romans 8 comfort the most restless heart.

We know that all things work together for the good to those who love God.
This is one of so many ways that God in His Word tells us that it’s going to be OK, we’re going to make it- He is still in charge.
If He is for us, who can be against us??!?!
It’s all a matter of perspective, my dear friends.
An Eternal Almighty All-knowing God compared to the sinful, trifle, simple human condition
It’s so easy to loose perspective- especially when you’re in high school- especially when you’re in a SMALL high school interacting with people that in some cases you’ve known since you were 6 years old.
It’s hard to look past the Spring Formal date
or the post-musical depression
or next week’s game
or graduation that’s looming
It’s hard to get a big picture when you’re stressed over finishing everything before finals or choosing a college
or getting yelled at for not having a summer job lined up.

Anything sound familiar?

Friends fail
Break-ups happen
Emotions are toyed with
Feelings are hurt
Grades are disappointing
Games are lost
Parents are prying
Students are on your last nerve

But the Creator of the world still loves us and the Savior of the world still has us in His arms- our sins are still forgiven, our eternal salvation is still sure- and we- despite any chaos or confusion or hardship around us are STILL more than conquerors through Him who loved us.
Thank God!

Paul asks us a great question here-
What SHALL Separate us from the love of Christ?
Trouble? Hardship? Persecution? Fights with friends? Lack of a job? A car that’s broken down? -insert current stressor here-
What can separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord?
Nothing. aboslutely NOTHING.

Our Savior- Jesus Christ- True God and True Man took the one thing that DID separate us from God- sin- and He took it all and He put it all- EVERYTHING squarely on His shoulders and he opened His arms and he was nailed to a cross. And every drop of blood he shed and every ounce of excruciating pain he endured was for you.
And because he died- our sins- the stuff that separates us from our God—they have been removed as far as the East is from the West.
And at our Baptisms we were given the gift of faith through the power of the Holy Spirit and because of that- NOTHING - can ever separate us again from the love- the never-ending, perfect, self-less, calming, comforting love of God- our Father, our daddy in Heaven.
He loves us even when our best friend and girl of your dreams are making out in front of you at 8am- and your whole world is seemingly crumbing down in front of you-
NOTHING can separate us from the Love of God.

One of my favorite sayings that a psychology professor always said- and I thought it was his own wisdom, but I actually saw it on someone’s Facebook like 6 months ago and it was attributed to Ann Landers… so he wasn’t as smart as I thought he was, but he did Plagiarize well…
I have this hanging in my office right above my computer and I look at it hundreds of times a day, because it is so important-
It goes like this- “Expect trouble as an inevitable part of life and repeat to yourself, the most comforting words of all; this, too, shall pass.”

This too shall pass.
I don’t know if there’s anything more important to keep in mind as you go about your lives than that- this too shall pass. This is important to 7th graders as it is to 17 year olds as it is to 57 year olds… This too shall pass.
It’s exactly what our Lord is saying to us here in Romans 8- He talks about trouble and hardship and persecution and danger and famine- he doesn’t say it’s not going to happen in the life of a Christian- in fact we’re told throughout Scripture that it IS part of being a Christian.
We are still in a sinful world, and bad stuff- really really crummy stuff is gonna happen. It’s part of life. Expect it. But know that it will always pass- know we are more than conquers of all that bad stuff- all the trouble and hardship- we’re above it all through the love of Jesus.

Keep that perspective as you go about your lives- we have all been called according to God’s will- and we know that all things work for the good of those who love Him. We know if God is For us, who can be against us? And nothing will separate us from the Love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.


Sally and Bob and I- we worked things out- Sally and Bob dated for like 2 months before they realized they couldn’t stand each other, which made me giddy with joy. But, alas we are all still friends. The world didn’t collapse, my life wasn’t over, my high school experience wasn’t ruined, and my dreams were not crushed and broken. That too passed. And SO MANY OTHER things have come up and have been catastrophic events in my life- but they too have passed,
And I now know that situations in life come and go, but God’s Mercy and Love endures forever.

There is so much more that can be said, friends. But I’ve written enough… Just take a little time Listen with your hearts for just one min. shut off everything else that is floating in your brain- give all your attention to these words-

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose
What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?
Christ Jesus, who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword?
No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.
For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord!!

May Jesus always hug you close to Himself, and may you always seek refuge in His never ending- never failing love.
And may the grace and peace of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ guard your heart and mind forever.

first impression...

hmmm... the video link is messed up.
I'll fix it...


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man... how rough would that be? I have some thoughts on this, but i'm too tired right now... so stay tuned. :)