Ecclesiastes 3
A Time for Everything
1 There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under heaven:
2 a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
3 a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
4 a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
5 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
6 a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
7 a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
8 a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.
Job 3:26 I have no peace, no quietness;
I have no rest, but only turmoil.
I think we as Christians sometimes shy away from feeling sad. We may feel down, but when push comes to shove we squash that feeling and quickly tell ourselves that it’s OK because God is in control. Now, don’t get me wrong, I know that God is in control, but lately I’ve felt sad. Yet, I’ve put a happy face on and gone through the motions of life and made believe as it everything is OK. Well, bla(h)g readers, everything is not OK. And it’s OK to say that. Ecclesiastes says there’s a time for everything- including mourning and weeping. It’s okay to be sad. Look at Job and Solomon and Jeremiah and Paul they all experienced profound sadness and wrote all about it. I hate it when people say, “don’t be sad” or “don’t feel that way” or “you can’t be that way”… no, people need to feel as they feel, and we need to let them and be a support for them. It’s OK to feel however you feel. And today, I feel sad. I feel discontent. I feel empty. I think there’s a touch of Seasonal Affective Disorder kicking in… As I think back to my darkest times, they seem to be all in winter months, so this is no different. I’m just bummed.
I believe self-disclosure is the most important attribute a person can have- especially as a person that works with people. Its not cool to hide things or be two-faced, so I make a consorted effort to life live on my sleeve- even when life ain’t fun or pretty. In that vein, let me share. I don’t ask you to understand, nor do I ask you to even read, I’m just venting via the interwebs…
I really didn’t think getting old would affect me this much, but man… staring down the barrel of near 3 decades is really really nutty. It’s not so much that I’ll be 29… its just where I am in life that is discouraging…
Being in school still is really depressing, there’s no other way to put it. I really want to get past it, but it is hard to do. There are 2 professors at Bethany right now that are younger than me. It’d be laughable if it wasn’t so sad. And I am still a year away! I will have to commute at least another whole semester. I know I have no right complain about something that I’ve been working toward for 11 years, and now I’m a mere 18 months away… but still it’s a daily kick in the stomach walking into Old Main.
That and I have a profession that in its core is noble and awesome, but more and more each day I question the value… That’s a whole ‘nother debate, but am I needed? I’m not asking that in a attempt to pander for sympathy or affirmation… not at all. It’s a basic human question. We all want to know that what we are spending our time and energies on are valuable, and lately I just don’t know. I feel as if I’ve helped more people waitering at the Olive Garden than I have as a youth guy. At least people would leave my table at OG well fed, I can’t say the same (spiritually or physically) about my current occupation. I know it’s not about me- I know I really do, but I feel like I feel, and right now I feel kinda useless.
The fact that I work with kids, in an office of people a generation older than me, and I go to school filled with people at least 10 years my junior… I realized today that I can go 7 or 8 days without ever having an meaningful conversation with a peer. Do you know what that’s like? No. you don’t. it sucks. 29 and single was not part of the ole’ 10 year plan… that’s all that can be said about that.
I think that the older I get the more insecure I get because I no longer compare to my peer’s station in life, if that makes any sense. Lack of confidence is a deadly curse, but I find myself more and more saddled with that poison. I hate it, but I don’t know how to stop it. The fact that I really- every part of me- longs for a significant change in my life- but I am utterly stuck by lack of education and economic downfalls is crippling! I, for the first time in my life don’t know where to find joy. I have no outlet right now, and it takes my insides and churns them round like a blender on puree. I’m at a loss in trying to explain…
Eh, I dunno. Venting (euphemism for complaining) is frivolous because this is something I just gotta weather. I know I will. I hate that this bla(h)g is all melancholy. I promise I'm not a negative person!!! But tonight… I'm sad.
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