So today is July 3rd, 2010 and I’m sitting at one of my favorite places ever. I’m in Millstown, WI on Half Moon Lake at “the cabin”. There isn’t much to do other than enjoy the staggering beauty of God’s creation at the cabin, which is what makes it so wonderful. All the ladies are at some craft fair in town, so I am left to my MacBook on a breezy day overlooking a clear glass lake with the sound of kids playing and a Jetski racing back and forth from shore to shore as my soundtrack.
I decided I wanted to be inspired. I have 4 hours and 33 minutes of battery time remaining, so that is my parameter in which to write the Great American Blog Post.
Coming back to the idea of some sort of publishable content in which to rectify the lies of my youth; I, at the half-way marker, have realized there is very little that I have written that any reasonable prudent person would actually pay to read. And yet, the stated motivation of this bla(h)g was to provide said publishable material. The long/short of it is, I need to get writing!
SO what to write today? I have a Bible sitting next to me, the beauty of creation as my muse. I can grab my iPod at anytime to get me into whatever mood I desire…. What to write? What to write? There’s a new show on Bravo called “Next Top Artist” or something like that. It’s like 20 artists living in a loft together… THAT’S TELEVISION… and they have to create a new work of art for every challenge. They literally are given a topic or a genre’ and then they have like 12 hours to make art. Now, I don’t pretend to be an artist, but I think I have at least a smidgen of understanding of how the artistic process works, and while images may be pleasing to the eye, does that make it art? I’ve always appreciated paintings or sculptures that come organically from within the artist. Anyway, the show, while interesting, seems kind of cheap to me.
So here I am trying to be equally as cheap. Writing isn’t an issue for me; I think I’m an OK wordsmith, but finding inspiration is the challenge. I’m reading this Sedaris book, and how he comes up with things is what I marvel at; more so than the actual content is the promptings that I’m interest me.
Again, what to write? 4 hours 28 minutes remaining. The Jetski just ran out of gas. Poor guy. He’s floating away from his destination bobbing up and down on the waves totally helpless. I enjoy the quiet, so I’ll pretend I don’t know what’s going on I assume he has friends that can help him.
hmmm…. Friends.
I recently re-watched a movie that makes me laugh called “I Love You Man”. It is a pretty obtuse film language-wise, which is always a drag- but the story is good. It’s about a guy who’s getting married but doesn’t have any “best friends” to be in his side of the wedding party. He has always been so focused on his girlfriends that he never made any serious guy-friends. So the movie is him finding and making a new best man. silly. Watching such a film draws the attention to the viewer (in this case, me) and who he (I) would have in his (my) wedding party if he (I) was to get married tomorrow. This lead to a sad realization. I don’t really know who I would have in my wedding. (that very sentence has been uttered by countless 13 year old girls in the midst of tears whilst in hour 10 of a sleepover… and now it’s been bla(h)g-ed by me, a 29 year old male… awesome.)
This is something that has been bothering me for quite some time, actually. I have thought about writing about it before, but I feared it would come across as needy, whiney, pathetic, or desperate. So know that I am perfectly aware of those types of grossities oozing out of my words. I’m going to try to just throw it down as I see it, you can judge me as you wish.
My first friend was Shawn. I vividly remember the scrawny toe head hopping over the fence that separated our back yards and knocking on my sliding glass door as I watch Mr. Rogers. We were the same age and we were very similar in personality. As such, we had to “take breaks” from each other quite often because we would butt heads pretty easily. We had some really good times, though. There was no one the same age as any of my siblings in our neighborhood, so to have Shawn was a tremendous blessing. Sophomore year in high school he was constantly by my side and we, while mischievous, were solid bros. I still have his number and talk to him maybe once a year, but it has been a better part of a decade since I’ve considered him a close friend.
Talk about getting into trouble. Drew and I went to grade school, high school, and 2 years of college together. Why we aren’t in prison together is only by grace a reality. He has always been a good buddy, but we went divergent ways 7 or 8 years ago and I hardly talk to him anymore. (I was, however best man in his wedding… does that mean I have to return the favor?)
And so it goes. I have come to the realization that my life has been punctuated by one intense relationship after another followed by a total void of contact. A long line of leavers. I can list the names: Jenny, Chris, Shari, Tina... oh, Tina… Sara, Karl, Andy, Matt, Jaker, Matt, John, Aaron, Mike, Philly… and on… People that I spent every day with, talked to, hung out with, had a blast with, but then, for whatever reason, we fell out of touch.
I have honestly given this hours of thought, and it’s not me- For real! It isn’t a matter of us getting sick of each other, its stuff like Jenny going post-op, Chris moving away, Me going to Wyoming and then China, Matt getting married, John moving, Andy getting a new job… stuff like that. Because of situations, I have been unable to continue to foster and “water” these long-term relationships. Some of it can go back to what I’ve written about before- guys getting married and having kids, thus I am no longer “even” with my peer group… I understand it, but it doesn’t make friendlessness any easier, you know? Don’t misread this, I’m not bumming out about it, I don’t really have too many emotions associated with this part of my life, it is just the way it is.
The problem is, I have the desire for relationships. Obviously. God made us as relational people. So with whom do I have the most in common with? (single, relationship drama, mostly carefree, into popular music, college classes and finals, etc…) My youth, namely the college kids: The Bros. I know that I lean sometimes too heavily on my kids. It’s not fair to me or them, but its what I’ve done. There’s nothing wrong with hanging out with a bunch of college kids. Going to movies, playing cards, watching fights- its really good times! I appreciate them and they appreciate me. It’s a relationship. But sometimes I forget that they aren’t my peers. I sometimes lose sight of the fact that I’m almost a decade their senior, and with that I am in a different place emotionally and intellectually… so while I can certainly be (and very much am honored TO be) a sounding board or advice-giver or burden sharer with them, they cannot be the same for me. So it’s like a one-way friendship… That’s totally great, I honestly have no issue with that, but… but, I still lack my sounding board, my giver of advice, my people with which to share burdens. And that does kinda bum me out sometimes... It’s like being stranded in the ocean and being thirsty- you’re surrounded by water, but none of it can quench your thirst. I’m surrounded by people, but none can be my friend. Haha wow, that’s so emo.
The one thing that I have found myself doing, however, is keeping people at a distance. History shows that sooner or later we’ll grow apart, so why even get close is the rationale. That’s not cool, I know, but it is easier on the ole heart strings… Unfortunately that means I’m harsh to those I don’t want to be harsh to; the classic I’ll hurt you before you can hurt me thing… shame.
The thing is I love my kids- I love the bros, I really do. They are such wonderful people and I absolutely cherish the time we have together. These kids are totally the “cool kids” of their friend group, so the fact that they would willingly spend time with me… that’s just so awesome. I have to remind myself, however that our relationship is not a true “friendship” (when defined as a phileo-relationship- a giving and taking, if that makes any sense). So I can’t be sad if I’m left out of a gathering or what have you because I’m not one of them… SO then I kind of get into the mode of being a big brother-type… but that’s not right because I’m not family- it’s OK to hang with your 30-year-old brother… it is kinda weird to hang with your 30 year old non-brother type person… This is hard to articulate, so please bear with me. It is just a tough situation to be in- finding the balance between mentor and buddy, and so I exist in relationship purgatory.
So that’s where I am. Talk about a quagmire… Again, don’t read this as any more than an explanation of what my interpersonal relationships look like. It is what it is. I know that our God’s grace is sufficient and it really is. I don’t mind being how I am right now. I honestly do not. I’m unattached, which is freeing! I used to always say I would choose my friends over my family any day… currently the former is lacking, so I have a new appreciation for the latter (I think I’m using those two terms correctly… look at me trying to look all smart and whatnot…), and that is awesome!
The Jestskier just got picked up by a pontoon full of people. They’re towing him in right now. The awesome thing is I know that if I were stranded there would indeed be a pontoon full of people to rescue me in a heartbeat. I am loved, and that is so amazing. The day-to-day friendship thing is kinda deficient currently, but big picture I’m doing pretty flippin’ good! :) Sorry to wax needy, whiney, pathetic, and desperate… I’m still working on the Great American Blog Post… someday…someday…
