This is what you get when you have 5 words or phrases that must be in a single story. Can you guess which 5?
enjoy.
Walter ran as hard as he could. Stride after stride he grunted louder than a llama as his energy levels waned to near empty. His thighs burned like red coals in a campfire, sweat stinging as it entered his squinting eyes, his heart palpating to the verge of explosion. This was easily twice the limit of his 6 foot 4 inch 300 pound body. “This is what it is going to take!” He screamed as he took two more strides and collapsed out of sheer exhaustion. After what seemed like three hours of lying on his back trying to catch his breath, the beleaguered 30 year old turned over to see that he was only 200 yards away from his goal of reaching the highest peak in all of Iowa. Looking down the hill (the locals call it a mountain, but being Iowans they’ve never really seen a real-live mountain, so they don’t know any better) and then turning back to see how close he’d come all he could think was, “the mountains win again.” Dejected he hobbled down the 800 foot slope back toward his parked 1988 rusted out Jeep Cherokee.
If only he was Harry Potter, he thought, then he could conjure up a spell to make him run faster and with more endurance. These are the things Walter thought about: what he could do if he was a wizard, how he would have rescued Princess Leah, and whether or not Orcs are in reality stronger than the one-blow duds Peter Jackson made them out to be. He was what most people would call a nerd, but he didn’t realize it. Not that it mattered, Walter didn’t pay much attention to most people, only the handful of Magic: The Gathering players in his small town and the regular contributors on his Futurama blog mattered to him. And to them he was WaltMeister3000, a certified level 12 Eladrin Wizard.
Why then, would a man paler than Emperor Palpatine and as large as Rubeus Hagrid be running up a hill that the locals called a mountain? Easy. He needs to be in shape in case a velociraptor ever chases him. Walter was nothing, if not prepared. So on and on he trained, each day running at least three steps farther than the previous day before yielding to the pain and collapsing. It didn’t take long before the whole town found out about Walter’s quest. In fact, his neighbors were so surprised to see him outside during daylight hours that they called the police because they thought something was wrong with his mother. Moe at the corner gas station couldn’t keep enough Gatorade in stock to keep the role-playing turned fitness guru hydrated. When Walter ran, the town took notice. Before long, they were lining the dirt road that lead up the mountain that defined their town to watch Walter run. Within a couple of weeks, Walter had more fans cheering for him as he ran than he did members of his Stan Lee fan club. He didn’t really know why they were cheering, and the fans didn’t know why they were watching, but they both enjoyed the sense of purpose it gave so every day at 3pm the good townsfolk would make their way out to the base of the mountain and stand shoulder to shoulder to cheer Walter on.
Exactly 52 days from his first run, Walter had an extra bounce in his step. “Today is the day”, he said to his Teddy Rukspin as he trotted out the door ready to conquer the mountain. The town was abuzz with an inexplicable energy as Walter stretched his final glute and began his ascent. He reached the half-way point with barely a twinge in his thighs. The crowd cheered as loud as they’ve ever cheered while Walter actually picked up speed as he scurried up mount misnomer. He knew he was going to summit, there wasn’t a doubt in his mind. He was filled with a giddy excitement as he got his second and third winds and finally reached the top. He hopped up and down repeatedly as if he was trying to find the secret block on level 3 of the third Super Mario World. It seemed as if all of Iowa was chanting his name. This time his heart raced with elation. It was a feeling equal to- if not greater than- beating Final Fantasy X on expert in a mere 13 hours.
“You did it!” his sensei squealed. “Auuugggeerrrggg” his brother dressed as a Wookie moaned. “What now, Walt?” someone from the crowed asked, "what will you do now?". “I tell you what, citizens, I will tell you what I will do next. I… I... “ Walter looked into all the faces that he didn’t recognize. He wondered if any of them were World of Warcraft enemies or perhaps minions of Voldemort (of course he didn’t think that name, he had his own secret code for the one who mustn’t be spoken of). “Citizens” he cleared his throat with a poignant grace, “I really have to pee.” And with that Walt walked down the hill got into his Jeep and never ran again.
The End.
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