I love books. Well, I love to own books. I have a ton of them. I’m pretty proud of my collection, really. I think it’s pretty eclectic and high quality, naturally. The problem is 90% of the books I own I’ve never read. I most likely started most of them, but I rarely finish a book. I know I’m not alone in this, but it is something that frustrates me. If I don’t get hooked in the first couple of chapters, it’s doneskis.
Well, I finished a book today. It’s called My Footprint by Jeff Garlin. It’s about his crusade to loose weight and be more green in his life. I saw him on the Jon Stewart show a couple weeks ago and when I heard him talking about his book I thought that perhaps it would be interesting as I am interested in the same things… well, not really the green part, not that I don’t want to be green, its just that it is not on my top 5 of my “things to better me” list…
Regardless, I went to Barnes and Noble the day after I saw him and I realized I didn’t know his name or the name of the book. So I went to the counter and said I was looking for a book by a comedian who is fat and doesn’t want to be that way anymore. I got several blank stares. Do you ever find anyone working at B&N (as I call it) who doesn’t just LOVE books? I think they are all Library Science majors or something because basically every single employee I have come into contact with has been rather homely (or mousy… you know, like a librarian… no offense to you book people out there…) and almost frightened of my gregarious nature… anyway, one kind employee started Googling stuff and I kept on trying to give more clues. I knew he was in Daddy Day Care and on HBO… finally a kind passerby heard us talking and actually gave me the book I was looking for. He said he highly recommended it. Its just one big book club, Barnes and Noble…
So I got it and I started reading it right away. I was hopeful. I was optimistic that Jeff would unlock in me the desire and impetus to change. There are lots of things I would like to change about myself. We all have those things, I’m sure. I need to be more tidy, less cluttered, I need to budget my time and money much better, I need to spend more time in the Word, spend more time for others rather than myself, I need to eat better, and exercise regularly and on and on… I know these things, I even sort of fantasize about putting them into practice… but much like the books I start… well, you know…
But this book was going to reach me…It started off promising. He uses a ton of foul language for no real reason, but besides that it is a funny, interesting book. He struggles with food. He eats to comfort and soothe. I admire the way he is able to talk about such things. Even typing this makes me feel a little uncomfortable. I don’t know why, but I don’t particularly enjoy talking about my eating health and habits. Quite honestly, I probably have as much confidence in my body as a high school girl. I’ve always been big and jolly, but I’ve always wanted to be slight and pensive… bah.
Nonetheless, with heart disease and diabetes in my genetic makeup, I really should be more aware of what I put into my body… but how do I get motivated? It’s taken 10,000 days to get stuck in my ways (to quote Bebo Norman)… that’s what I hoped to get out of My Footprint, but Jeff turned out to be a vulnerable human just like me. He failed time and time again. But he’s still trying- battling his addiction to food. That is inspirational, but I didn’t read the last page and go on living with a new resolve to be healthy. It wasn’t like I finished watching Rudy and wanted to play football, or like I was at the end of Saving Private Ryan, calling the Army recruitment office… none of that, just… disappointment.
But then I think it’s silly for me to look to a book written by a comedian to find the impetus for me to live as I should: responsibly and healthy. I know its silly, but I still am without that drive… Alcoholics reach rock-bottom and that prompts major change… Well, I don’t drink much (thank God), and its hard to hit rock-bottom when it comes to what you eat. I don’t really binge, I don’t even really eat all that much… its just I eat the wrong things (because they’re easy) and I partake in very little physical activity outside of turning on my Xbox and walking to/from my car…
I was talking to my guy TK today; he’s training for a marathon and wants me to join his gym with him. I want to, I really do, but I know it’s just a waste of money because I won’t go. I’m good at finding valid excuses to not do stuff. I can rationalize anything away with needing “me time” or “a good nap”. As I was talking to him, though, I opened up a bit and told him I need to change a lot more than just my eating habits and exercise regime, when it dawned on me that I’m making the problem too big. Are there a lot of things about me that I would like to be different? Yes. Do I need to make significant changes in my life if I wish to continue living and not just surviving? Absolutely. Do I need to do them all tomorrow? No. That’s what I need to realize.
When a person goes to alcohol treatment, they don’t worry about their smoking habit- its one thing at a time. You get sober first, and then worry about getting some Nicorette.
For whatever reason, I’ve lumped all my deficiencies into one big category of “needs change” and when I consider working on one, they all rear their ugly heads. Overwhelmed, I address none... and then I eat to make myself feel better for not changing... I need to take it one day at a time, one issue at a time in order to make any sort of positive strides. The fact of the matter is, I’ve filled my life with things that are all consistent with treading water. I had to tread water for 4 minutes to get my SCUBA certification in Thailand. I’ve never been so frantic. My arms and legs were going a mile a minute just to keep my chin above water. I didn’t go anywhere, see anything, and the amazing beauty of the tropical islands around me were inconsequential- all I could focus on was not dying.
Lately, I’ve been so consumed with not drowning in the demands and stressors (mostly self-inflicted) of life, that I haven’t been living, rather I’ve just been not dying… you know? There’s more to that metaphor, I’m sure, but I’m all tapped out at the moment… The bottom line is this: admitting you have a problem is the first step. So...
I have a problem with food.
eek.
Now what?
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