Well, my idea for this bla(h)g came out of nights…err mornings just like this… My head swirls with thoughts and nuggets of wisdom and I have a dialogue with myself that satisfies my desire to vent. Alas, now I have an outlet. Some people look at blogs and see them as some sort of sick voyeurism: airing dirty laundry and deep dark secrets pandering for sympathy or looking for some sort of twisted internet fame… I have no such delusions. This bla(h)g exists for me and me alone. I wanted to see if I could write each and everyday in hopes of sharpening and honing my writing skills, and in all truth work toward a collection of thoughts I could call a “book”… The fact that I push a button and what I write gets launched into cyberspace where literally billions of people can read it, if they so choose makes me accountable for my words (no plagiarism here!), but also, as Frank Warren’s Post Secret experiment proves, the anonymous nature of the internet proves to be fertile ground for airing secrets and thoughts that perhaps are unable to be spoken of in person- for whatever reason.
And so here I am this morning with knots in my stomach for reasons unbeknown to me. So many good and exciting things happened today… and yet a couple unfortunate events sort of even the scales… as the ebbs and flows of life are prone to do… I enjoy this time to be able to write. I find myself thinking about future posts. Things like my “date with Fate” and “on the need to be whole” are forthcoming… But this morning… As Tagore says in “Stray Birds”, “Man barricades against himself.” …
There are few things I lack in this world. Materialistically, I’m totally set. I have to hang my head in shame when I find myself drooling over something in a Best Buy ad… I have everything I could possibly need. But yet, for the first time ever in my life, I think, I lack a sounding board- a good fellow to converse with and bounce things off of… to share hopes and fears… you know the type. It’s hard to not look at marriage as war when it takes all your best men, ya know? I think about going to a therapist (read: shrink) not because of any particular issue or roadblock I’m looking to explore, but because I want a friend. Ha! Literally paying someone to listen... geesh.
I dunno… I’m in such an odd season of life right now. I read books on development, I know where I should be at cognitively, and I think I’m in the 90 percentile, but there is no book on how to grow up. Not to mention my profession is a daily intellectual digression (not at all in a bad way, but the fact of the matter is the intellect of a 8th grader is anything and everything but stimulating and engaging…) and now I’m back at school, listening to know-nothing 20 year olds with the life experience of spoon-fed infant tell me how they’re going to change the world… peers are parents, co-workers are mid-life, and I’m in a sort of Neverland treading water at the mental age of 22. I know I sound like I’m whining, and I don’t mean to, but man I am really just stuck right now. In “On the Need to Be Whole”, I plan on talking about the importance of hope. At this point I have little hope that the “best-friend” shaped void in my life will be filled anytime soon… that’s a sinking feeling to have!
Then again, Clare Boothe Luce said, “There are no hopeless situations; there are only men who have grown hopeless about them.” This situation is by no means hopeless, but, for tonight at least, this man has grown hopeless about it… blah.
I turn my eyes upward and He tells me over and over- MY GRACE IS SUFFICIENT! And I know that- I rest in it, I really do… its just that walking through valleys unaccompanied is no fun… but continually reaching mountain tops in perpetual solitude is downright heartbreaking…
Today is my grandpa’s funeral… I don’t really know how to feel about that… I mean honestly, it doesn’t really make me sad. I have nothing to be sad about. He was 91! He's with Jesus! I guess I’m kinda bummed I’m not going to be going, but I really have no reason or time to go- and I don’t mean that crassly, it’s just the facts. My plan was to write about death tonight. I even got out my copy of “On Death and Dying” by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross… but, alas, I’ve gone a different direction… oh bla(h)g you have served your purpose well. Thanks new friend!
This is a tune by Andrew Peterson... sums it up, I think...
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