BALDERDASH!

In homage to my love of the game Balderdash (in which you invent the meaning of a word or give the back-story to a person of note in antiquity) I have been given a real headline and I will write the fake story. This is going to be great.

Angry Grandmother Allegedly Knifes 12-year-old's Ear
Winston, Alabama
8/30/2010

Walter Syzmanksi, Simple Minded News

The news is still echoing through Pleasant Meadows Trailer Park located in the heart of Winston, Alabama, 45 miles west of Burvy, Mississippi. Grober County Sheriff officials say that 41-year-old Francine LouAnn Masterson attempted to remove her 12-year-old grandson’s ear with a plastic butter knife following a heated argument. The preteen, Orangejello (pronounced Or-on-jell-oh) Marquis DuVry, was treated for minor injuries at the scene and is expected to make a full recovery.

Neighbors say Masterson, a devout Baptist, was incensed at her grandson’s wanton disrespect of her rules against the listening to rap music in her doublewide trailer. Acording to witnesses DuVry was loudly mimicking the music he was listening to, which was reportedly “Baby Got Back” by the 1990’s rapper Sir Mix A lot. “He was a’singin’ and a’ dancin’ like a fool filled with the devil himself.” Said neighbor LouEllen Snapquik. “Franny came at him like an alligator on rotting chicken; that boy didn’t stand a chance.” The 341 pound Masterson pounced on her grandson and attempted to remove his ear bud earphones. When that wasn’t enough, police say she resorted to more drastic measures, “It appears she took a plastic butter knife and attempted to remove the boy’s outer ear.” Sheriff deputy George-Bob McFranston reported. “Needless to say she wasn’t successful in removing the extremity.” Passersby heard the calls of the suffocating adolescent and came to his aid. “It took six of us, but we got her off him. I thought I was rescuing a newborn piglet. Turns out it was a boy. Poor thing.” Said one of the rescuers who wanted to remain anonymous, “I don’t need that woman coming after me next, if you know what I mean.”

Masterson, who has temporary custody of her grandson while her daughter, the boy’s mother, is serving a 20-month sentence for robbing an abandoned post office last March has lived in the trailer park for over a decade. “Oh that Franny, she never take no guff from no body; no sir.” Snapquick said, “She warned that grand-boy of hers to stop listening to the hippidy-hop, but he just don’t ever listen. I don’t know what she do, but I guarantee that boy ain’t gonna listen to that junk no more, no sir.” Police say charges will be filed on Monday. DuVry will be staying with his second cousin’s uncle down yonder until more permanent arrangements can be made.

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WOW! Writing in journalistic form is harder than I thought. Much love to the guys at the Onion, they have a tough job but always deliver...

I was going to include the REAL story here, but it really is an awful tale of really mean people... so I'll pretend this more lighthearted story is the REAL one. We all love happy(ier) endings, right??