Well... its been a while.
Its been a while since I've been plagued with this type of sleeplessness. The motors in the ole noggin are churning over time, thus its time to bla(h)g.
I can't believe it is already December 27th. Man, time slips away much too quickly.
I've been thinking a lot lately. Truthfully I've had a lot to think about- some heavy- too deeply personal and downright heartbreaking to even touch on this here piece of the internet- others frivolous and not worth wasting time actually putting into 1's and 0's. It is staggering how quickly things completely change- like even reality changes on a dime... things I thought I knew I no longer do... its enough to make the most committed of men throw up their hands and give up out of sheer exhaustion.
I realized my main goal right now is to just figure out how I fit into God's plan. Does that make sense? I know that God has a hope and a future for me. I know I have the desire to do great things- to make a difference, to love and be loved, to share Jesus, to live a story worth telling, to savor life and relish adventure... et cetera... I know these things and I have a desire to be all those things, yet I feel as if I'm missing my assignment. Or, perhaps, it seems as if nothing is clear- like every path is un-tread and tumultuous. Don't get me wrong, I have no problem working for what I want- quite the opposite- but its hard to travel when there is no inkling as to where I'm heading.
I have this battle in my head between the rational mind- the one that I've been grooming over the past several years- the one that I never really had before and the one that makes me mostly act like an "adult" even though on the inside I want to do the opposite- a battle between that rational and the throw-wimsey-to-the-wind-you-only-live-once-take-life-by-the-horns-and-live-life-to-the-fullest part that really truly made me the person I am today. The stories I have aren't about sitting at home alone at night watching movies because it was the practical thing to do- no, the stories I love to have lived and love to tell are of the me that was surrounded by adventure and the foolhardy. What happened to that me? My peers could say they settled down, got married, had some kids... but what's my excuse? Why do I long to live differently than the way I am now? I don't want to be ungrateful- because I am, God. I am! Thank you for all the gifts you lavish upon me... but there is so little joy in my life right now- and its not because of depression or because I'm all down on things- not at all. I'm still living and breathing and fulfilling my duties just like I have for the past 7 years- maybe with a little more cynicism than before, but that is based on precedent not on emotion... its just that the thrill is gone, you know? And I get that "the thrill" doesn't need to be there all the time, I realize that life isn't always thrilling and dazzling and sometimes you just have to grit your teeth and do what it takes to get the job done... but then I stop and I shake my head and I wonder why it has to be that way for me?
I don't have a family to support. I don't have a 401k to worry about. I don't really have roots here anymore- and they are getting cut off more and more every day, lately. I have a house, but as much as I lament about it's worthlessness, I've never really truly looked into no living here. I dunno. I've done the safe thing- applied for grad schools- which will be fine if they work out, but I don't know if that's what its all about either... Is it wrong to chase the high of adventurous living? And I don't mean that irresponsibly, I mean that is it wrong to want a change if what you're doing isn't where you want to be? The problem is, I don't mind what I'm doing, its just where I am doing it... blah... I could continue to complain, but it is what it is... and what I am is blessed. I just need a win, man. There has been so many losses lately, I just want a win. (Ironically, JV girls, 3-0, baby! Turns out I AM a coach. Take that, naysayers!)
I long with my whole heart for some direction in life... or, on the flip, contentment. Hence, the things that I think about. What does God have in store for me? Where? How? With whom? These types of things. He's made it abundantly clear that I am not one for keeping up with the Jones' when it comes to my station in life as compared to my peers- but why not? My human brain would say that it is because there's something big and special on the horizon... but that just sounds cliche' and delusional... What is it all about? Or, more importantly, why do I care? Did my parents ever wrestle with these questions? Can anyone who hasn't possibly understand?
wonder fills my soul at 1:25 in the am.
I trust in God. I know He's in charge. I have contemplated taking charge lately, but I know that isn't what I'm called to do. I'm called to serve and share and love. And its not about serving me and sharing me and (only) loving me- maybe that is the biggest roadblock- me and my selfishness... gah. I think the reason we as a culture enjoy looking back to the "good old days" is because we can look at those years through the filter of hindsight. We see the results and we forget the process. I'm tempted to long for before- when it was easy- and things were "normal"- but I realize that I struggled just as much then as I do now- just with different things, I suppose. In a lot of ways, things really suck right now. and, in a lot of ways, things are really awesome... maybe my goal is to just experience more awesome than suck on a given day. And if I succeed, then consider that a win... there's a story worth telling...
SO my prayer tonight is, Lord: Quiet the selfish desires of my mind. Chase out the whispers of the evil one: Thoughts and desires of resentment and grudges, envy and jealousy, discontentment and anger. Fill my heart with your joy, your peace, your hope. May your desires be my desires, your eyes my eyes, your heart my heart. Help me strive to be a better servant to you, and may I find joy and fulfillment in being your hands and feet.
Lord come quickly!