chicken

Wow.  It has been way too long.  I had no idea what taking all these credits would do... It is absolutely insane.  Total mental exhaustion is really the only way I can describe it.  I honestly lack the energy to do even the most mundane tasks and everything is kind of blurring together.  It's totally surreal.  You'd think that I'd be really excited that it's almost over, but now is crunch time!  I have 2 major papers due next week and I have 3 tests that I've been putting off waiting for me on Monday.  Not to mention the backlog of youth work that awaits me in my office... oh and I currently don't have a car as I'm waiting to find out how much my transmission is going to cost me.  The chances of the bill being more than I have in cash and savings has got to be 75%.  oiy.

I don't mean to complain, its just what's going on right now.  I have been trying to think of bla(h)g topics, but my well is running pretty dry right now.  My head is consumed with my papers on male menopause and the apologetic approach to ancient "Christ" stories. (I bet you never thought you'd see those two subjects in the same sentence...)

Alas, it IS almost over, and I really hope I finish strong.  I'm disappointed because I know that a couple professors think very little of my writing because I've only handed in hastily-written drivel that is intended to merely suffice, not surprise.  I come off as a fool, and yet I'm too busy to care.  no good.  I'm actually pretty concerned about my GPA, to be honest.  Don't get me wrong, I have little doubt that I'll end w/ B's, but I really want to be better than that and actually graduate w/ honors.  All my silliness as a lad and my unsuccessful bout with two semesters of 10 credits Hebrew has left the ole GPA pretty dinged up, if I have any hopes of grad school I need this semester to be stellar. 

Speaking of grad school, that is what I'm using as a distraction. I check out different grad school websites every day and day dream. I really want to keep on going to school.  I absolutely love learning currently, so to just stop going to school would be pretty disappointing.  My top choice is Biola University in southern California.  I would pursue a MA in Christian Apologetics under the top apologists in the country.  How cool would that be?  I'm trying to convince myself that it's a viable option, but with my house worth nothing I just can't see how it'll work.  There's lots to think about...

I REALLY

want to go, though.  we'll see, I guess.  I hope more and more that a change

is coming... I... eh... I dunno.  It would be unwise for me to even

speculate right

here and now what the next step will be when this step is still far from over. 

You'd think if I should know anything from this whole experience, its that steps are best taken

one at a time.  Man, sometimes that's

unbelievably hard.  So tonight I'm working on one of those papers generally

uninteresting papers and buying way too much

new music.  I'm in one of those moods where no song can

definitively

encapsulate how I feel, so I'm buying gobs of new stuff in hopes that one

really strikes a chord.  "Due Tramonti" is how I want to feel.  Take a listen below. Gorgeous. I 
suppose I'll find out what I'm made of in

these next couple of weeks.  In the past I ran away from the hard stuff. 

Obviously, there's a reason why I went to three schools in three semesters.  

Often I would ignore

deadlines, fail classes, and shrug it off as the instructor's fault (or at least not mine...)

When the going got tough, I got the heck out of there.  I know that's really not an option anymore, but honestly it takes every ounce of strength to fight the flight urge that I've grown so accustomed to.  I'm really good at getting out of things, but the things ahead of me are get-out-of proof. 

scary.  
Press on, I shall... press on.