three sixty five (take one)

WELL folks-
This is it! The 365th post on this piece of the internets. It took me 3 months longer than I wanted, but I made it. horray!
The pressure is on, however, to make it something good.
It has been a while since I've blogged. While there have been several major changes in my life, I haven't felt compelled to reflect on them on paper. Generally speaking, I'm consumed with angst as of late. There are a lot of things that I know I have to do, but really want to put them off so I procrastinate, then feel kind of guilty, then start, but get more or less overwhelmed so I put them off, then guilt... its a vicious circle. :)
But things are good! I am blessed. I am also 30 years old.
wow.
I am working on this whole growing up thing, and I think I'm starting to come around, and while I'm excited to see what kind of adventures lay ahead, but I really wish I had an adventure partner... Still working on trusting in Kairos.... I wish, if it isn't going to happen... for a while at least... this desire would go away, but it persists and it's starting to get on my nerves.

What else is new? Oh, my companion over the past 5 years- trusty, sure-footed, comfortable- is no longer with me. That's right, the Rendezvous is gone. Its a long story but it came down to it not being reliable and me not wanting to put more money into it. So I bought a car that will be reliable and has an awesome warranty. If the Rendy was a Ferrari, my new ride is a BMW 3 series. Nice, definitely nice, but no Ferrari... I really think long-term its the right choice, but short term I have to deal with the significant impact on the ole budget and the thought of 5 years of payments. Buyer's remorse is the worst. The fact is this, like so many things, cannot be changed so I need to embrace it and deal. It was a great deal and I think we're going to have many happy years together. I miss the old girl, but I look forward to this new chapter in my vehicular life. :)

hmmmm... this isn't much of a 365th post... I think back to when I turned 20... actually I don't remember what I did for my 20th birthday- (for the record my 30th birthday was spent mini-golfing with some really great people- blessings, in fact)- ok my 21st birthday- I think back to that- Wild game with my buddies and Joe's Crab Shack with my parents (after destroying the '90 Audi 80)- good times. And I realize there is no way i could have ever ever ever imagined I'd have the life I do now. No WAY I could have even dreamed of it. God is good and has held me closely to Himself.
So I have a desire to wax theoretical about where I'll be in 5 years... but I realize it would be trying to imagine a finger-painting when I have a DiVinci to look forward to. That may be a convoluted metaphor, but I think you get it...
The thing that kind of bums me out about me is that I can sit on this mountain of 30 years of perspective and see all the phenomenal blessings I've been given. I've forgotten more blessings that I can count... My cup overflows1!!! BUT I still get bummed about the few things I don't have. I can say with a good amount of certainty that I would have said I'd be a college graduate and married by age 30- age 25 was my goal, if I'm not mistaken. Neither of those things are true and its hard not to focus on them... I'm annoyed that I do spend an inordinate amount of time focusing on them currently, and I'm even more annoyed that one of them I really am clueless as to how to approach remedying.
blah.
Maybe the thing that is the most discouraging about my status quo is I'm not sure what to look forward to. I mean the 21 year old me had lots to look forward to- lots of unknown adventures to explore. The world was my burrito. Now its like I have the same old routine to look forward to, perhaps I'll try a new shampoo and maybe I'll build some new shelves for my garage... Not exactly climbing Everest... hmmm as I write I realize this is my deal, I mean its my own limits that are, well, limiting me... So maybe I need to think bigger... I think maybe the words of the prof that told me that I'm wasting my life have resounded more than care to admit and so I'm second guessing everything I get excited for because I'm afraid it's not worthy enough... icky. she's in my head. blah.

ANYWHOO... post 365 should not be whiny! The truth is big things are in store! I'm only limited by my own... ahem... laziness, really. The truth is that I'm loved and I'm really glad that I am. And I'm really really working on trusting it. I'm excited about my new roommate- today we played snowball baseball. He's good people and I'm guessing there's many fun times ahead. I'm honestly 30 pages from graduation. Tomorrow is a snow day and I'm not leaving my house until I have 4 pages written. boom. The world of graduate schools is indeed my burrito and where my education and academia will take me, only God knows.
I think my problem is that I have equated maturity with conservative life choices. Safe is best has been my mantra over the past several years. In that thinking, I've muddled who I am. I was never one to be very calculated. Not that I'm reckless, but I, historically, have been one to live with my emotions on my sleeve, throw caution to the wind and go the way of whimsy, and it has produced some fantastic times. It has also made for some tremendous heart break. But when you're out there living, you're gonna get hurt- but at least you're feeling something!!
Its been quite some time since I've done that, been spontaneous. Instead, I've talked things to death and over analyzed my way out of things that could have been really good and really life-changing. I think I need to worry less about the long term and live more in the moment. A "save tonight" kind of a deal. :) I think I'd be pretty happy if 30 was a year of just putting it all on the line and pursuing adventure. I have little to lose other than more missed opportunities for awesomeness.
The bottom line is my friends have heard all my stories- most of them are true :) - so I need to start writing some that are new... which means I need to get back to living and stop merely surviving (thanks Garth Brooks). And, in it all, I need- I get- to make sure that I'm honoring God. I don't think God is necessarily honored in me being a 5 when he's gifted me to be a 10. My favorite quote- A ship is safe in harbor, but that's not what ships are for. I think its time for me to start venturing out of my harbor again... I just got excited.