uprooted

yep its been a while.  I don't think there are too many people too upset about that, but since I have this here piece of the interwebs, I might as well use it, aye?  It has been a strange several months for me.  I've been inundated by a cloud listlessness and confuddledness.  I find myself unrooted and waffling... not fun.
I've tried and tried to get to the core of this general discontent, but can't quite put my thumb on it.  I think some of it is my goal for the past 11 years has been a BA and now I finally have it... so... now what?  I think I lost my person and I still don't know how or why.  I think some of it is 7 years in the same spot and the itch to move on wants to be scratched.  I think some of it is I lost the ones in whom I could confide and rely on... and I don't exactly know how to begin to replace those losses. I think I made a plan and reality isn't really in line with that plan so I'm a tad bewildered as to what to do and where to go.  I think the language change is just so heartbreaking I can't think properly. I think I just don't know, and knowing if half the battle... so if I don't know, half the battle is lost...  Oh GI Joe, how you vex me! :)  (you probably don't understand, but it made me laugh...)

So I'm putting all my eggs in the grad school basket.  Its not just school- no!  its a fresh start, a new perspective, a new lofty, nearly impossible goal.  New place, new people, new ideas, new energy, new challenges, new opportunities, new community, new world.  But man, what if I don't get in?  what if i can't figure out what to do with my house?  what if its all too much new?  these things... these keep me up at 1:39 am.
I know.  I know!  Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.  In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make straight your paths.    I know, people, I know.  And I'm trying... but what does trust look like?  Is applying for grad school not trusting God?  Is wanting something new relying on my own understanding?  Is considering all my options and feeling helpless if this option falls through acknowledging Him?  Is feeling loneliness and emptiness being un-Christian?  I feel like I don't even know how to trust that I'm trusting well enough... I'm just... I feel like this:

roots up in the air for all to see- exposed and wilting.  Sometimes you see trees that are prone to falling over and they have those stakes supporting them... those stakes are missing and I'm left uprooted.  But that isn't necessarily bad.  This picture is all artsy and the tree is dead... BUT if you uproot a tree, it can be re-planted!  Maybe this waffling is to prepare me for a transplant.  Maybe this stirring of my soul is to create a desire to grow elsewhere rather than maintain a deep-rooted attachment to a place that I need to move on from.  maybe...

I'm fully confident that this will all be clear to me at some point in the not-too-distant-future.   The Good Lord has been so good to me and His faithfulness is unfailing.  I know this!  I just get frazzled when I'm in the cloudiness of my limited, sinful understanding.  Its like people of Minnesota who freak out in the dead of winter about the snow and the cold and the dark.  They act like they've never been in February before and they think that maybe, for the first time ever it will literally never be sunny and 80 ever again.  But sure enough, that springtime sun comes and melts the snow and before you know it they're tan and flip-flopped and that snow is a mere faded memory.
I know the snow will melt, I just get frustrated when my weak heat lamp of a brain fails to do the job.  I just gotta wait for the Sun...  (mull that metaphor over for a bit... it'll make sense eventually)

As I lay uprooted, its important to keep them well-watered lest they grow dry and die.  So I drink all the more deeply from the well of the Living Water-
Isaiah 41:13
For I am the LORD, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you.

Isaiah 41:10
So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. 



Thank you, Lord for your patience despite my pettiness, for your grace despite my grumbling, and your love despite my listlessness.   Make your will my will, oh God.  Increase in me and help me decrease so that you will be all the more glorified in my every thought, word, and action.  Lord come quickly.